Day 23

I almost feel like keeping track of cycle days right now is a little redundant, but I guess I should still keep track so I know when I've reached the end of this god awful cycle. Today definately tested my patience...it was almost like the majority of my coworkers and customers had left their brains at home today. I came in to a giant mess with this bake sale for the MDA, practically nothing had been done, and on top of that we had corporate visitors. I was beyond fed up and had multiple break downs in the bathroom because I was at my wits end.

I can't even count how many times I've heard "God has a plan for you and you'll get pregnant when He wants you to" or "God will never give you more than you can handle." To that I say "Bullshit!" More power to you for believing it and I'm glad you find comfort in it...I, however, do not find comfort in it. If that were the case, God gave me more than I could handle about 3 years ago when everything started going to shit. And if God is in charge of this pregnancy thing, someone needs to inform Him that 16 year old girls are generally not fit to be mothers. Troy and I have talked numerous times about going to church but with our crazy schedules we haven't been able to make it work. On top of that, neither of us are really that religious and after spending 90% of my childhood in a church I don't feel you need to go to church to be "religious." I don't know if it's just because I'm bitter about our results this month, but all the religious BS being thrown at me right now really makes me want to smack somebody.

I'm still torn about what to do. I've been cruising forums today to try and find out if this has happened to anybody else while on Clomid and what their end result was but I'm just not having any luck. I realize going to an RE means forking up more money, but at the same time I don't know that I could handle the disappointment of another wasted cycle. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday and one thing I want to talk to her about is why no one has ever taken an ultrasound of my ovaries. They don't know if I have that string of cysts...hell, according to my blood work it's debatable whether or not I even have PCOS. I know Troy and I are in the beginning of our journey, but I'm so depressed and confused about everything I almost want to give up. I'm having dinner with a friend who used to work with me tomorrow and hopefully this weekend I'll go out for drinks with another friend. Hopefully that can cheer me up a little bit.

It's not polite to cry in the fondue

Had my appointment yesterday, the lady who did it had a hell of a time trying to find a vein. I thought I was going to lose my arm from lack of circulation. When she does finally find a vein she pulls out a freakin horse needle and jabs it in my arm. It didn't really hurt, or maybe I had just lost feeling in my arm by that point. It bled a lot more after she put the gauze on than it ever has before and even this morning it's still a little sore. I went on my way and didn't expect to get any results until today. While I'm on lunch I get a missed call from the doctor and of course by the time I called back she had already left.

I get the call this morning. .3...that's even lower than before I was on Clomid. It's like the higher the dosage the lower my progesterone gets. The doctor asked if I wanted to see an RE or continue on the Clomid and I told her we'd do at least one more month of the Clomid, but now I'm kind of thinking I want to just go to the RE. Update...after talking to Troy and another friend I have decided to do one more month of the Clomid and if my numbers don't go up next month then we'll start talking about an RE.

Day 17

Nothing going on in the ovary region. I despise peeing on a stick every day...it's kind of like taking a pregnancy test everyday, and just as dissappointing when the results are negative. I'm really worried about this cycle, not only with the period issues but I'm not as, well...lubricated as I have been in previous cycles around this time. Maybe it's just because since I'm doing the OPK's I don't actually have to check my CM so I don't really notice.

I'm thinking all the stress we've had this month has affected my cycle. I really need to calm down and relax. I'm on inventory starting the 4th(which means I get a break from the front end for a week) AND I have my spa party, so hopefully I can relax a bit then. My day 22 appointment is Monday, I'm nervous, but hoping for the best.

Day 14

It's day 14...do you know what your ovaries are doing? With any luck...mine are attempting to release an egg. I wish I knew someone with x-ray vision so they could just look inside and tell me what the hells going on. I've been a little down in the dumps the last couple days, especially today. I enjoy my time away from work, but at the same time I hate being able to sit around and just think. It's so nice out today I might take the dogs for a walk, but I'm going to have to check the radar to make sure it's done raining.

Last night I started thinking about everything going on. I'm always afraid Troy is going to leave me for someone easier...I'm a handful, and that was before the infertility! Now I'm just a wreck. I feel like I'm broken or something, and Troy's going to find someone who isn't and decide it's the easier way to go. I know he never would, he's told me a million times he's in it for the long haul.

I posted on facebook about people saying sick kids are an inconvience, BIG mistake! It has created a huge debate going on...I've gotten all kinds of text messages, emails, and comments on my status. I find it kind of funny. The 'fertiles' take forgranted the awesome gift of reproduction. I would take a sick child over no child ANY day. And as far as I'm concerned, anybody who thinks a sick child is an inconvience, shouldn't have kids. That is what you "signed up" for when you gave birth. I also received an email that it's ironic I'm complaining about harsh comments made me to, when my infertile comments hurt just as much. Mine aren't just comments...they're me being completely and brutally honest. The comments being made to me are insensitive and moronic. I've developed a pretty tough shell, but I am still human and sometimes things get to me. The sick child comment really pisses me off and there's a lot more I'd like to say on the matter, but I'm going to leave it at this.

My appointments a week from tomorrow. I can't wait, fortunately it's on a Monday so I won't have to wait forever for the results!

Day 13

Yesterday was a pretty bad day...actually the past few days have been pretty bad. We've been really busy at work, and under staffed. Yesterday on a break, one of my cashiers (who I think is a complete moron ANYWAY) was talking about how pissed she was that her son was sick because he's always ruining her plans. I couldn't hold it back. I said "Yeah, because kids are such an inconvience." She immediately got all flustered and apologized like crazy. Afterwards, I laughed a little bit but it still made me mad. A lot of comments I hear don't get to me anymore, but sometimes I get caught off guard. I've become more open with our infertility issues, I really started telling people because I got tired of "When are you and Troy going to have kids?" I think the Clomid made me bitchier this month, I've been saying a lot of things I would normally hold back.

My ovaries have really been hurting this week. I was doubled over in pain yesterday. I told myself at the beginning of this I wouldn't complain though...about anything. I just have to remember what it is I'm doing this for and remember it's going to all be worth it in the end. So far I haven't gotten a positive surge but it is still early. I'm really nervous for my day 22 appointment, I want to know what my progesterones going to be.

Day 10

I took my last Clomid yesterday. I've been really crabby the last couple days, I think it's from the Clomid. (Although we've also had a lot going on lately so that could also play a part in it too.) I'm hoping for good numbers this month, I definately 'feel' my ovaries this month. We started DTD every other day this week and the doctor told us to keep it up until Day 17 (a friend told me to go even until days 20-25, she conceived her last one later in her Clomid cycle.)

We've had a lot of stress the past couple weeks so Monday we went to our friends house to talk to him about his wedding. Fortunately, he was incredibly understanding and took a HUGE weight off our shoulders. We've actually been able to sleep now, and we had a really good time with our friend. Last night we went bowling with another friend. With all our infertility and money issues, I've almost been too depressed to get out and do anything. I'd much rather sleep or sit at home in my sweatpants, and then that just depresses me even more. So it's been really nice to get out and do something with friends the last couple days.

Troy's switching his days off at work, so this week he has an 8 day stretch. It's not really going to affect us too much, we'll still have two whole days a month together.

Am I losing my mind? (Day 3)

I just checked our balance at the ATM and left the debit card in the machine! I feel like such an idiot, there was someone behind me, I really hope they didn't take it. Once I finally realized it was missing, I had a total meltdown. I come home bawling my eyes out, Troy probably thought I'd been mugged or something. I was SO afraid he'd be mad at me, but he kind of laughed a little that I was so upset. I've never done that before, I can't believe it.

AF is really messed up. It was normal Monday and yesterday and then last night it was pretty much gone so I thought I was done. I woke up this morning and it had come back, now it's almost gone again. I think Flo parties at night, and then comes back to my uterus during the day to recover! Today I was really crabby too, I think it was mainly because I only had 3 hours of sleep, but AF had a role to play in it too.

There's a girl at work (who might I add, is a total fertile Myrtle) but she's really taken an interest in my infertility issues. Most people look at me like I have a contagious disease. Today she said "Don't take this the wrong way, but with all the pills you have to take, I wish there was a pill you could take to magically make you pregnant." Coming from anybody else this would probably have made me want to punch them, but coming from her I thought it was sweet. She seems to genuinely care about our problems and sympathize with me and Troy.

Day 2

After the incredible day I had yesterday...today I've been feeling a little down. I think I might be getting another cold and I've felt like crying all day. Troy's out with a friend tonight to celebrate his friends birthday, I opted to stay home and have a night to myself. I just don't have the ambition to go out anymore, I know I should enjoy this time before we do get pregnant and I can't go out for awhile...but I just can't get the motivation to even get out of my sweatpants anymore. And when I do go out, I feel like a total Debbie Downer.

The weather isn't helping my mood any either. It's been so dark and dreary and today the weather really SUCKS! So the dogs and I have decided to have a night in, watching Glee. I'm hoping Troy can have fun tonight, he always feels bad for leaving me at home and part of that is my fault. I don't like to admit it, but I still have a jealous side. Even though Troy has proven to be nothing but faithful and crazy in love with me, I still see flashbacks of the only other two serious relationships I had that ended in betrayal. I try to hide that side of me, but that ugly monster comes out sometimes.

I made my doctors appointments today. I'm a little nervous though, my period seems to be going away now. While I'm not one to complain about a short visit from AF, I would like to think my periods should be more normal while I'm on a pill to induce them. My last Provera pill is tomorrow, hopefully everything works out.

Day 1...Cycle 3 on Clomid

It's the joyous start of another fun filled cycle. This month will be my first month on the highest dosage of Clomid, hoping for some positive results. By that, I don't exactly mean a BFP...most of you might remember the epic fail of last month. So by positive results I am mainly talking about better Progesterone numbers right now. I will have to call tomorrow and make my appointments.

I had my massage today. It was AMAZING. I had a massage before our wedding but it was honestly like some form of torture the girl did it so hard. I walked out wanting to cry, and vowed to never get another massage. Troy works with a guy who does them as a side job so for months he's been talking me into one. I finally gave in and I wish I'd have done it sooner. When I was laying on the table waiting for him to come back in, all I could think about was talking to the doctor today and all the other stress I'd been dealing with. I could slowly feel my blood pressure going up and I even began to think I didn't have an hour to spare for myself. Then I remembered it was time to be selfish, and in the first five minutes of my massage I had forgotten everything and I could feel the stress melting away. It was glorious, I'd recommend it to anybody. I also told Troy that until we get pregnant, I am going once a month.

Now that it's back into the real world though, I feel refreshed and ready to tackle a new cycle. I also realized I forgot to update the score board last month...

Ovaries: 2
Courtney: 0

Can't even think of a catchy title

It's been a totally insane weekend. Thursday night I ate something that didn't agree with the Metformin so I checked into the bathroom for most of the night. I called in Friday and pretty much slept all day. Yesterday and today were really busy at work, but it was good to get my mind off of everything. Finally tomorrow I get my massage and it's an hour for me to forget everything that's happen.

Considering everything going on, I'd say Troy and I are wound pretty tight. Sometimes I don't know what's going on his tiny little head, but I do know our infertility issues get to him sometimes. I try to stay strong for him, but I usually have a 5 minute melt down at least once a day...caused by the woman with 20 kids, the pregnant lady bitching about how badly she "wants this thing out", or it just comes on randomly. Troy and I give and give to our friends and family when they need us and never ask for anything in return, in fact quite a few people are unaware of our infertility problems. At the risk of sounding selfish, it's become time for us to worry about ourselves. As if we didn't have enough to worry about, a lot of extra (un-needed) stress has been added recently. And I could sit here and rant about it, I mean, this is my blog who cares who's feelings I hurt...but, what I have to say would come out as a long strand of profanities that would make a drunken sailor cry and would probably get my blog shut down.

I had been doing better on the Metformin, and I was beginning to feel better...today that's all gone downhill. I think it's the damned girlscout cookies but who knows. Friday I noticed some blood when I went to the bathroom so I thought maybe I was starting my period. I called the doctor to see if I should continue taking the Provera. Of course I got the @$!%# nurse who knows nothing. She kept asking if I was taking days 5-9, talking about Clomid. I told her a million times I'm not taking the Clomid yet and I'm not even on a cycle day because my cycle hasn't started! Finally she realized what I was talking about and told me to continue taking it until I was done. After that I started reading on my fertility board and it sounds like that's what other people have been told so I continued taking it. Saturday still some blood...but never enough to need a pad. Today it's completely gone, so I'm not sure if that was my period or what. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow (and ask to speak directly to the doctor) to see what to do because if she's going to count that as my period my day 5 is Tuesday.

Kind of a blah day

Troy woke me up at 8 this morning to tell me the guy doing my massage this morning wasn't at Meadows last night. At first I thought it was a dream...it wasn't! He thinks it might be a hernia, but was at the doctor when he talked to Troy. It's ok though, I'm so sore from my workout I'm not even sure I could shave my legs. So we rescheduled for Monday and I told him no excuses that time! :)

We went shopping at Valley Junction yesterday, for my sisters belated Christmas presents. So excited to finally have that done. It was our first time out there and I'm not 100% Troy's sold on it, but I really enjoyed it. Mainly because all of the little shops remind me of home. We didn't make it into too many shops but I told Troy in the spring or summer I want to come back out and walk around there all day. Now I just have to work up the energy to mail the boxes today!

Holy moly!!

Some of you may know (I may have even mentioned it on here) but Troy and I bought an X-Box with a Kinect along with our new TV. The games in themselves are a work out, but the other night we bought EA Active, which is an actual workout game. Holy cow I'm in pain! Tonight was the first workout I did and completely finished. Monday was the very first workout I did and half way through I felt like I was going to pass out and/or puke so I stopped. My entire body feels like Jell-O right now, but I feel incredible. Hopefully I can keep up the motivation.

Being back on the Metformin is killing me, but I refuse to complain! (At least anywhere but here.) Without going into too much detail, everything goes straight through me. The past few days I have been completely miserable...forcing myself to eat because I had no appetite, nauseous all the time, weak and dizzy, etc. Finally last night and today I've found that drinking a FULL glass of water with my pill seems to help a little bit. My stomach's not as upset and I actually have a bit of an appetite.

My massage is tomorrow, I'm so excited I could pee! Hopefully it'll help my sore muscles and relax me. I'm also hoping I can talk Troy into letting me get a massage once a month until we get pregnant. I'll tell him it's doctors orders, Haha.