Day 14

Had our ultrasound today. I had hoped to talk to the doctor today, but I only saw the nurse. She said I have a really good looking follicle on the right side and smaller ones on the left, which she said was normal. We'll wait until next week when we do the progesterone draw but the nurse was pretty sure I'm going to ovulate this cycle. I am cautiously optimistic...I wish we had done ultrasounds with the Clomid so that I had something to compare it too, maybe then I'd be happier

I survived!

Happy to report I survived the HSG. I was really nervous, even on the verge of vomiting. Everything is really a blur to me. We had to wait awhile for the doctor but then they took us back into a room (fotunately Troy was able to be with me.) I laid down on an x-ray table and it was exactly like a yearly exam, except with an x-ray above me and about 3 more people in the room! They told me to lay back and the last thing I remember seeing is Troy's face through the window. I had to smile, all I could think was "Great, Troy's got a front row seat to everything!" Later he told me he really couldn't see anything. I laid back and the doctor told me to relax my legs, as he inserted the speculum. Then he said I'd feel a little pinch as he inserted the other thing into my cervix. I certainly felt a pinch! There was no major pain, it was just incredibly uncomfortable. I had expected him to say "Ok, we're insertig the dye now" but he never did. They had some technical difficulties and just as I was about to tell them I couldn't take the cramping anymore, I felt a huge relief and the doctor says "Ok, we're done!" I got up and he showed me on the screen, I personally had no idea what I was looking at other than my ovaries and uterus,but he said everything was normal.

When we got into the car, Troy told me what it looked like for him. He could see the thing they inserted into my cervix, he could see the dye flowing through. He said it looked like my left tube was blocked because the dye seperated once it got past my uterus and on one side it kept going, on the other side it seemed to stop. That was what I figured would happen since I've had lower Progesterone levels when I cramp on the left side, but the doctor said it was all normal, so I'm going to trust him over Troy. I have an ultrasound Monday so hopefully I can talk to him a little bit more. This test we had hoped would give us some answers, has only created more questions!

The big day

I'm having my HSG done in two hours, I am ready to crap my pants! I've been reading online about it, some websites make it seem like a day filled with puppies and unicorns...other websites make it sound like dooms day! I realize it's going to be unpleasant, but I'm hoping it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be. The doctor told me to take Ibuprofen an hour before, I'm thinking more like a couple shots of alcohol.

At least I have Glee to look forward to tonight! I love premiere week!! I'll post later today to let everyone know I survived.

Day 5 and 6

Aunt Flo has come and gone for yet another cycle. I must say right now I have mixed emotions. I feel as if the world hasn't given me permission to grieve, or be upset. I feel like they are looking at me waiting for me to crack, and I have to prove them wrong by being strong. Sometimes I wish I could just break down, let it all out. We had a girls night, and I was hoping it would be my chance to "let it out" but it ended up being a night of babysitting someone else. Almost the entire night was a total buzz kill. Now I'm just left with a headache.

Tuesdays the big day...holy shit...

Right now I'm tired though so I'm going to take a shower to wash away the shame and then I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams!

Day 4

It's been awhile since having to track days, but here we are again. The second day of my first round of Femara, and I'm feeling pretty good. This is also one day closer to my HSG, which I am not excited about. I would really like it if they would just knock me out for it...or allow me to be drunk! Hopefully they'll let Troy in the room to hold my hand and calm me down.

The last three days have been crazy. It was great to see family I haven't seen in a long time, and this was the first time Troy met most of my mom's side of the family. Fortunately for him, they were fairly mellow! Grandma looked beautiful and her funeral was very sad, but also very much "grandma." I believe it was exactly what she would have wanted.

When we left today we filled up at Caseys and as I'm paying I see Pink Panther scratch tickets (Pink Panther was my grandma's favorite cartoon.) I could just kick myself for not buying a couple, maybe Grandma was looking out for me and I could have been a millionaire! LOL

Day 1

That's right...Day 1...the start of another glorious cycle. AF showed up late morning. I have to make my appointments tomorrow. Tuesday the 20th is the big day for the dye test though. I won't lie, I'm slightly terrified, but I'll make it through.

We leave tomorrow for NorthEast Iowa. Troy's complaining about the 3 hour drive already, I told him to suck it up. We just did 12 hours a couple weeks ago! I'm excited to see some family that I haven't seen in awhile, I just wish it were under better circumstances.

At a loss for words

I got the call this morning-Grandma passed away. I was at work, and had been in the back getting a couple installers ready to go. I came back up front to print tickets for them and glanced at my phone. I had two missed calls from my sister and a voicemail that just said to call her. My heart dropped to my feet. I had to get the installers signed out before I called her back, which was the longest ten minutes of my life. I was shakey and wanted to throw up. My sister hadn't said that was why she was calling, but I just knew.

I had thought I'd be ok. We'd been prepared for this for two months now...but are you ever really prepared for such a great loss? I've been a mess pretty much all day, fortunately I have Troy to keep me sane. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and prayers.

Rest in Peace Grandma Allen...I'm certainly going to miss you!

Starting to feel better

"I don't know why bad things happen...but I have to believe something good is going to come from this." -Soul Surfer

I've been in a real funk the last few days. I watched Soul Surfer today and thought it would just depress me even more. It has actually inspired me. While I haven't lost a limb, I can relate to her struggles. I believe anyone who's faced any kind of hardship can relate. She goes through part of the movie angry, wondering how this could possibly be part of God's plan. I know when people tell me "You'll get pregnant when God intends for you to get pregnant, I wanted to punch them. (Quite frankly, I still do) But I sort of understand now. Every time I feel like giving up, which is becoming much more frequent, I have to remember something good is going to come from this. Whether it be me giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby...or adopting a beautiful, healthy baby...all my struggles will be worth it in the end.

Not sure what's wrong

It could just be hormones, although Provera's never done this to me and I can't blame it on the Clomid anymore. I seem to have landed in a very dark place and I'm not entirely sure how to get out. I guess I'm really just fed up with a bunch of things, and it's all piled up and is now exploding out.

I took my last Provera today so in at least a week (if not sooner) I'll start my period, and with that brings a new cycle, and with any luck new found hope. I'm trying to be positive, but knowing that the HSG is coming up soon scares the crap out of me.

Doctors Appointment

The doctor went pretty well. The nurse brought us back to a room and did the usual vital stats and everything. Then said the doctor would probably come pull us into his office because that's where he likes to do his consultations. Immediately, my heart dropped. I had prepared myself for not having anything done today, but it's hard to hear "consultation." To my surprise though, we've been started on a course of action! The consultation went great, Dr. Young is VERY nice! He was very short and to the point, but informative. He hadn't gotten my records from Dr. Sposato, so we had to go to Ankeny after that and sign a release form. Anyway, Dr. Young asked me a bunch of questions and then asked Troy a bunch of questions. And then we went over some options. I am relieved to say, there's 3 options before we even get to the IUI and IVF stage. The three options he gave us were:

1) An injectable, 90% of women actually ovulate from this...I forget the pregnancy percentage. There's also a very high risk of multiple babies. (I should mention, this is actually the first option he named off so I assumed it was the first course of action...I about fainted! I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to have to give myself a shot.)

2) Ovarian drilling...an outpatient SURGERY (also ready to faint at this point) where they basically poke holes in my ovaries to induce ovulation.

3) Femara...a fertility pill much like Clomid. I've mentioned this in my previous posts but never really knew a whole lot about it. I did know it had much lower side effects, like I wouldn't be bitchy on it. I found out that Clomid induces ovulation by targeting a place in the brain. Femara induces ovulation by targeting your ovaries directly. He gave me the success rate of this compared to Clomid, but I forget.

With all those being mentioned, this is what Troy and I will be doing.
-I start Provera tomorrow to induce my period. I will take the pill for 7 days, and he said it could take up to 7 days after my last pill to start my period.
-On days 3-7 I will take the Femara
-One day between days 6-14 I will have an HSG (The name is too long for me to spell out). They will insert dye into my uterus, this is to check that my fallopian tubes are open, it can also check for other problems within the uterus. (This is something the doctor before Sposato had wanted to do, but we put off doing because my insurance only covers part of the procedure.)
-On day 14 I will have to have a vaginal ultrasound to see how my ovaries are looking
-On day 21 I'll have a progesterone blood draw.

It is definitely a lot more involved than my Clomid cycles, and I'm not excited about having to drive to West Des Moines (especially in the winter time), but it's what we've got to do. One of my managers had also mentioned his wife went to a chiropractor right by the fertility clinic and after a few months of going there they got pregnant (they also had fertility issues.) So I'm thinking about maybe trying to make a couple chiropractor appointments the same day as my fertility appointments and kill two birds with one stone. I must say I was very nervous for this appointment, but it went incredibly well. Now I'm exhausted!