...and a Happy New Year

It's been awhile since I've been on here. It's been a busy couple of weeks. Last Friday we made our last payment to the credit card...Woohoo! I've officially hit the 10 pound mark on weight loss, primarily because I've been sick for almost 2 weeks. I had a sinus infection a week or two ago and I woke up yesterday with a fever. It was 103 all night...and since 10 this morning it's been at 101. I don't feel pukey, just weak and dizzy. Troy's had a cold all week and is still managing to take care of me today...he's so incredible!

I hope everybody had a great Christmas. It used to be my favorite holiday, mainly because I went so long without celebrating it. This year, however, was just a terrible reminder that Troy and I still aren't pregnant. I enjoyed watching the joy on my nephews faces as they opened their presents but I had to fight back the tears the entire time.

I have two more days of Provera so after the first of the year I should get my period and then I'll start the Clomid. I finally finished "Managing your fertility" so I'm excited to put to use everything I've learned.

For now, it's back to bed for me!

White Christmas

What a week it's been! Thursday a friend from work and I went and got our nails done. I got sparkly red tips so I'm feeling extra festive. It was nice to treat myself like that, it's been awhile since I've been able to do that. Friday I took a half day at work and spent the whole time shopping and baking. I've spent so much time baking this weekend I'm beyond over it. I had found some really cute pictures in a magazine of decorated gingerbreadmen so I had the insane idea to recreate a couple of them. They turned out pretty well, but it was a real pain in my ass to make. Friday night we went to the Tonic Sol Fa concert with my in laws. They are an acapella group that primarily do Christmas but also do other songs. It was so much fun! Yesterday another friend from work had a baby shower and then we went to one of Troy's friends houses. We played the Xbox 360 with kinect, which we had been talking about getting after Christmas but now we REALLY want one. It was so much fun! Today we started and finished our nieces and nephews Christmas shopping. We already knew what they wanted so it was really easy to shop for them.

I took my first Provera today so in about 3 weeks I should be getting my period. I have to take Provera for 10 days, with Dr. Sager I only took it for 5 but I guess each doctor is different.

Hello Cervix, I'm Courtney

I've been reading this book called "Taking charge of your fertility." It teaches a charting method called FAM (Fertility Awareness Method.) At first I thought it sounded like something a hippy would do, talking about natural contraception, etc. But I think it's going to be a great way to help me figure out if I'm ovulating. It uses three ways to track your fertile and non-fertile days

1. BBT (Basal Body Temp)
2. Cervical Fluid
3. Cervical Position (This last one is optional and sometimes only needed if the first two are questionable.)

Before going to the doctor last month, and after my last round of Provera I had started taking my temperature but never knew about the other two signs of fertility. I'll admit it kind of freaked me out and quite honestly I wasn't even sure where my cervix was! Fortunately, the book has pretty graphic pictures of the female anatomy and I was able to find it quite easily. It was a little awkward, but kind of interesting.

People's ignorance really comes out when an infertility announcement is made. It's like telling someone you have herpes. Infertility isn't contagious. Neither is PCOS, my cause for infertility. I've developed a sense of humor about this, I believe it's the only way for me to get through this.

Day 28

This is my first day off the Metformin and I'm already starting to feel like I want to eat everything in sight. This makes me a little nervous, so I've been monitoring the situation and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of food. I used the elliptical again today, 15 minutes this time. My legs are still a little tight, but not as bad. I'm going to try adding some Yoga to the mix mainly to help with the tight muscles but it's also recommended to calm stress.

Friday we're going to the Tonic Solfa concert with Troy's family. We've gone one other time and had a lot of fun so I'm really excited. This Christmas will be the best one Troy and I have had so far. On Friday we will make our final payment to the Target card (the payment that has been ruining our lives for 2 years). We will actually have money left after all our bills, and even enough money to buy Christmas presents and NOT stress about it! I've got a major itch to go shopping, Troy says he's coming with me on Saturday to make sure I don't blow all of our money. On Saturday I also have a friends baby shower. I've been a little leery about going because I used to cry just thinking about it. After the last week or so I've started feeling a lot better about it and have decided to go. She miscarried about two years ago and even though they haven't been hard-core trying this whole time I know it still took a toll on her. I also know she is one of the most excited pregnant ladies I've ever seen, and I see that being me some day. That being said I know how much it means to her. I have decided to suck it up, put my feelings aside for a day, and be there for someone who's been there for me every time I needed her.

Day 27...in case you're wondering

Pretty soon I'm going to have to start all over on counting days. I have one Metformin left...ONE! Yay! The doctor said to wait until day 31 to take a PT so I'll probably just wait until Friday (payday) to take one and then I'll start my 10 days of Provera.

Today was an exceptionally crappy day at work. Everybody was making me mad, it was morbidly cold, customers were grumpy, and I really didn't feel good. Troy picked me up from work (yes, I'm a weenie) and he said he felt like going someplace for dinner so we went to Applebee's and got their 2 for $20. Being on this diet has really made me appreciate "real" food. I got a Florentine Ravioli, totally against my diet, but I savored every second of it and made sure not to overstuff myself.

We got an elliptical from my SIL tonight. I was on it for 10 minutes before my legs were screaming. Troy just got off it and said he doesn't like it because his feet keep slipping. I LOVE it and can't wait until my legs are more used to it so I can go longer. I really wasn't out of breath, my leg muscles weren't used to it.

Even though work sucked today was the best day I've had for awhile. It's been refreshing. If it's nicer out tomorrow we might go to Valley Junction. My sister recommended it as a spot to find really good local shops, I've personally never been there, but have been shopping some of the shops online the past week and they have some really cool stuff!

Who's keeping track of days anymore?

I. Hate. Iowa! This weather........SUCKS. Fortunately Troy's off today and tomorrow (he switched with somebody, normally he'd be working) so he can take me to and from work. I've been sick all week. Finally went to the doctor yesterday, I have a sinus infection. I've been miserable, I still am. On a positive note, tomorrow is my last day of Metformin! At least for now, the doctor will probably put me back on it later. I just hope I can continue to lose weight off the Metformin, otherwise I'll have to go back on it. Monday I'll take a pregnancy test, if it's negative I'll induce my period and then start the Clomid. I'm a little nervous, I've heard once they start uping your dosage you can get a little bitchy...like I need any help with that!

Stay warm everybody!

Day 25

Finally heard back from the doctors office today. They resubmitted me office visit as "Amenorrhea" since she did prescribe Provera for me. Crossing my fingers hoping the insurance company will accept this one. We also talked more about taking Clomid. I was a little confused and Troy had thrown away my notes. It's exciting to be able to move forward like this.

I'm starting to feel like death again. Now I feel like there's an elephant on my chest, it hurts so bad!

Day 24

Feeling alittle better today after a lot of sleep and a shower. Troy and I were both off today and had a classic "lazy day." We watched tv and a few movies all day. I've been trying to take it easy so I can start feeling better and I think today really helped. I still have tomorrow to recoop too.

I've lost 2 more pounds making that a total 7 pounds. It doesn't seem that great, and sometimes I feel like I should be doing better. Having a history of eating disorders, it's hard for me to adjust to a gradual change. Back in volleyball it wasn't uncommon for me to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks, so 7 pounds in just under a month seems insignificant to me. It's been really hard to adjust to eatting healthy...I've never had a good relationship with food. Anorexia in school, then I stuff my face with everything in front of me. It's been difficult to adjust, but it's starting to become second nature. I automatically reach for the measuring cups now to measure out my portions, I find myself drinking a lot more water, and choosing healthier snacks. Having to think a lot more about my food choices has really taken my mind off the infertility.

Day 23

I feel like I've been hit by a truck...and then it backed up and hit me again! My ears, nose, and throat have been bothering me since yesterday. And the Metformin is really messing up my stomach. I'm miserable today. Fortunately, I have the next two days off and I plan on doing nothing but sleeping! Not much more to report...it's miserably cold and they're calling for snow on Saturday. Ugh!!

Days 21 and 22

I've been really bad about my blog lately! I guess since I don't really need to keep track of days for awhile, they all just run together. I counted my Metformin today...I have 6 days left! I have been miserable the last week. I woke up feeling like death today, I think I'm catching a cold. My throat and sinuses are really bothering me.

Yesterday we were really busy. I worked during the day and then my nephew had a Christmas program. I did get a little emotional, but managed to hold it in. I kept thinking how proud those parents must be to have their kids up there, and that really hurt. So then I started thinking about how proud I would be if that was my kid up there. I even kind of imagined a little Troy/Courtney standing up on that stage, belting out the words. That helped me to get through it except trying to imagine what our kid will look like kind of scared me for a minute. I'm always afraid our child will come out with each of our worst features...my giant forehead, Troys big ears and nose, they'll be short and fat like me instead of tall and skinny like Troy. It's times like that I really hope God does have some grace! Haha.

I stepped on the scale today because I've started feeling like after that first 5 pounds I lost, I had just stopped losing weight. I've lost 4 more pounds for a total weight loss of 9 pounds so far! It was that extra push I needed to keep me motivated. In January we're hoping to get our elliptical so then I can really start losing weight.

Troy let me buy Eclipse last night, I think he can tell I've been a little down lately. I watched it this morning and thought it was a lot better the second time around. I think I just got my hopes up for it to be spectacular the first time. It is still a great movie though, I can't wait for Breaking Dawn to come out!!!

Day 20

It's kind of a rough day. Work really sucked, and I've been feeling exceptionally emotional today...I haven't figured out why yet. We did just find out one of our friends' sister had triplets and shortly after they were born all of them passed away. I was heartbroken...I can't even imagine the pain they're feeling right now! I remember when we were planning our wedding I joined this wedding board and one lady gave birth to a still born. I would be crushed. There's been so many bad things that have happened the last week, I guess maybe that's why I've been so emotional. Even though it hasn't happened to me, bad things have been happening to people around me...sometimes it just makes you wonder why. How could someone be so cruel? Why do babies have to die? Why are homes devestated by fire? If our bodies were meant to make babies, why are some people unable to?

Christmas has arrived at the Stuart house

I was protesting putting up our decorations this year, but since we've gotten lucky with no snow so far I decided I was feeling ambitious today and put them up. I bought some new LED lights that I love, they're so much prettier than the other ones we had. We are the only house in our strip of town homes that has lights up! At least we'll be easy to find. I went to put up my window decals but my white snowmen were now red from the red letters I had in the same bag. Oops! Then I had a cute little snowman yard sign I put up and hung our wreath inside. Troy despises the wreath, it has three presents on it and mice pop out and sing "We wish you a merry Christmas." I love it though! Now I have to find a place to hang our stockings because we got rid of our kitchen table.

I had a pretty good day. It was by no means relaxing, but I enjoyed getting out by myself, even if it was grocery shopping. I got some hummus today, it's the first time I've tried it and I'm not 100% sold...it's kind of gross actually! I'm going to try it again later, but my first impression isn't great.

I have to work this weekend, but Sunday we have my nephews Christmas play at church. Monday Troy's shift from work is going to have lunch, they consider that they're Christmas party. Thursday SEP has their choir concert that Troy wants to go too. Then on the 17th the entire Stuart family is going to Tonic Sol Fa, an acapella group that sings Christmas music. Should be a fun and music filled two weeks!

Days 18 and 19

I forgot to post anything yesterday, mainly because I didn't really have a whole lot to say but also because I was completely miserable yesterday. I'm feeling slightly better today, this Metformin is kicking my ass though! I'm still waiting to hear back from the doctor about my insurance, I'm thinking when they call back I'm going to ask if I ever have to take Metformin again if I can just take 2 pills a day or if I really need to take 3 pills a day. 3 pills a day makes me not want to eat (which I could afford to go a few days without eatting) but even in order to take my pills I have to eat! I made the mistake of not eatting yesterday right after I took the pill, I think that's why I was so sick.

I've decided this time of year is really awkward for me. Everybody asking me what I want for Christmas...and I know it's a completely innocent question, but everytime the first thing that comes to mind is "a baby." One of these times I'm going to blurt that out before I have a chance to think about it and THAT is going to be very awkward! Haha.

I've "liked" this blog on Facebook so anytime it updates I get posts from it. It's called "999 reasons to laugh about infertility." Yesterday they posted "During infertility, laughter (and Clomid) is the best medicine." I've been trying to laugh more things off, like when one of my cashiers really irritates me, or when my husband forgets to dry my clothes. Getting angry and stressed out is part of my problem, and I this. Fortunately, the biggest stressor is going to be gone in two weeks. No, I'm not getting a divorce...our big credit card will FINALLY be paid off. We've been paying on that stupid thing for 2 years now and it's been the cause of much of our financial trouble so it's a big sigh of relief to have that done next paycheck, and right before Christmas too!

Day 82 (or 17 if you're still actually counting)

I don't really have much to say tonight. It's been a draining week and I find myself losing more and more motivation to do even the simplest things. I have Friday off, I'm hoping to use it as a "me" day. Troy will be sleeping, there's a chance of snow so I probably won't do a whole lot. I kind of need to regather myself, maybe I'll go get in my in-laws hot tub, I haven't been in it in awhile. Just found out another friend is pregnant, and while I'm of course happy for her, it hurts. Another friend warned me that it only gets harder, she has also gone through the struggle with infertility. She gave me a few pointers on keeping my sanity, hopefully it'll help.

I've been reading my PCOS book and I'm finding it very informative. I had to force myself through the first few boring chapters about symptoms and stuff but now I'm finally to the diet and exercise part of it and I'm getting much more out of it. While I'm upset about not being able to get pregnant, the PCOS is even more upsetting. It's such a weird disease and frustrating too! There's a million different symptoms, and while you're trying to fix one you might make another one worse. The only way to really make a difference is to lose weight, and with PCOS that's even harder. It's overwhelming and it's even harder to go through something that hardly anyone understands.