Doctor's Appointment

Looking over my blog, I guess I never updated after my Dr's Appointment! It went fairly well. The nurse walked out without having me get undressed...so I was flipping out. Thinking the doctor was going to come in and say "Get out, there's nothing I can do for you!" Just as I was about to cry the nurse poked her head back in and said she had forgot. That was a big sigh of relief. Then the doctor came in and we talked a bit. She apologized for upsetting me Tuesday on the phone. She's such a sweetheart! I asked her about the OPK's, she told me to go ahead and try, since my charting seems to be a little weird she thinks it could at least help me better decide when/if I'm ovulating.

She said something about continuing with the Metformin and I told her I hadn't taken it since that first time. Apparently I was supposed to be on it the whole time! (Oooops.) So I started it yesterday. She filled my prescribtion for Clomid (150MG this time). She didn't give me Provera this time because I got my period on my own last time but it's looking like I won't this time.

Day 30

So far no AF...and no signs of her coming either. Tomorrow I'll have to call the doctor and get a Provera prescribtion. I started the Metformin yesterday, I was pretty much miserable all day. Slept a lot, had no energy, etc. Today I felt bloated all day but nothing like yesterday. I've been really moody the last couple days, today I almost felt like I was bi-polar. I'm feeling better this evening, just glad to be home.

I made shake n bake pork chops and asparagus (for me...corn for Troy.) It was delish! I also got a beef roast to put in the crock pot but I got this new seasoning packet, hopefully it'll be good. I'm trying to be better with our diet, we kind of slipped up the last couple weeks.

Wednesday Troy and I are FINALLY going to go Christmas shopping for my sisters (haha). We're going to go to Valley Junction. I've never been there before but have heard mixed reviews so we'll see what I think. Thursday I'm getting a massage from one of Troy's co-workers. I'm really excited, I could use a good massage.

Day 28

I have my appointment in a few hours. I'm kind of thinking this appointment is completely pointless, obviously my ovaries aren't overstimulated...my levels went down! But I am going to talk to the doctor about trying OPK's again. I was doing that with Dr. Sager, which was a total waste of money considering I wasn't even ovulating. I've heard you can get false positives if you have PCOS though so I'm really not sure what to think.

I had joined a new infertility forum board but those ladies were real bitches! (Pardon my french) On one thread someone was talking about how her doctor gave her a few different options and everybody said that was wrong, he should have just done something (I mean, that's what he's there for, right?) I was disgusted...it's that kind of thinking that got me in trouble with my first OB. She told me I had PCOS and slapped me on BC without even explaining the disease or encouraging me to study up on it. She never explained the importance of treating it! My current doctor is great at giving me options. Like when we talked on the phone Tuesday, she said if I wanted to she'd give me a referral to an RE right then and there, but she reminded me I still have 4 months left to see what Clomid can do for me. Just because they get paid the big bucks does not give doctors the right to diagnose and prescribe without informing the patient!

Rant over...some people I just wish I could go through the computer screen and strangle them. Needless to say, I'm not going back to that board. :)

Feeling much better

After my last post I emailed a friend who's dealt with infertility as well. She told me one month her Progesterone went down as well, so I'm feeling a lot better. It really just freaked me out the doctor started talking about an RE...made it seem a lot more serious. And who knows, maybe it is. My day 28 appointment is Friday so we'll talk about a few different things and hopefully next month we can get back on track.

I've never liked roller coasters

I've only ridden two rollercoasters in my entire life, and they were at Adventureland, so they almost don't even count! Now with infertility I'm on an emotional roller coaster (nice metaphor, huh?!). The first part of this month I was feeling good, felt like something was going on in there-felt positive. Then right around Days 14-18 I was a nervous wreck-felt like I wasn't ovulating this month because I didn't notice any changes. On Days 19-today I was beginning to feel a little bit more positive because I was beginning to notice some changes. And the last couple days I'd been feeling really crappy and just not myself, so I even have a twinkling of hope that I could be pregnant...and then the doctor called this morning.

I woke up to the phone ringing and smiled when I saw it was FINALLY the doctor! We chatted for a few seconds and then she told me my progesterone was at 1.7 this month. Before Clomid I was at .5, on 50MG of Clomid I was at 3.3, on 100MG of Clomid I drop to 1.7. How the hell does that happen?! At first I thought it was a joke, or a mistake. I asked her to double check they had the right person. She assured me they did and said she's seen this happen before but wouldn't really tell me if it's good or bad. Just from the conversation though, I'm almost certain it's not good. She said next month we'll go up to 150MG which is the highest they go. We'll see what that does to my progesterone, but then she said it would be up to us if we wanted to continue for a few months and then go to an RE, or just do one month of the 150MG and then go straight to an RE. My heart dropped when she started talking about RE's (sorry for the abbreviation but I always forget what the R is...it's some sort of endocrinologist).

I don't even want to get out of bed this morning. I wish I could call into work for a mental health day or something. I was beginning to feel like a double line on that pregnancy test was possible...now I feel like it's not.

Day 23

Our meeting went surprisingly well. The cashiers seemed receptive, although they could very well have left the meeting and bitched none stop. I also need to correct what I said yesterday, we got an 81%...which sounds WAY better than 0, but it's not. After the meeting I went to breakfast with a couple friends. They're going shopping today, but I'm one of the few girls who hate shopping so I opted to stay home.

Ever since I got home this morning I haven't been feeling good. I think I'm getting a stomach bug, either that or I had myself so worked up about the meeting that it made me sick. Also when I got home the TV wasn't working-yeah, the TV we've had for only two weeks! The x-box and blu ray had sound but when you switched to cable there was no sound. I dreaded Troy getting home because I didn't want to be the one to tell him. Long story short, it was the twisty cable that goes from our wall to the cable box. Fortunately, that's a cheap fix, and so far it seems to be working.

Day 22

I can't sleep tonight. We have a cashier meeting tomorrow morning that I'm really anxious about. I've been really unhappy with the front end for quite some time now, but lately it's just gotten worse. Thursday we scored 0% (yeah, that's out of 100%) on our Mystery Shop-where someone pretends to be a customer and grades us on our service. I was livid when I found that out, that score can make or break our bonus. I'm known as the "mean head cashier" but honestly, that was me being nice. I'm going to have a list of cashiers who hate me by the end of the week! We've all been letting them get away with too much, and now it's directly affecting our performance. A year ago we had just broken our 11 month stretch of 100% mystery shops...we were the poster child for front ends...now we're just the black sheep, a total joke.

On the other hand, except for right now, I've been really good about leaving work at work. I think vacation really helped calm and refocus me. Now I just want to fast forward to Monday so I can get my results. TPV's would be appreciated right now!

Day 21...time to get poked and prodded!

It's that time again. I just got back from the doctors office and don't have a whole lot of time to post before I have to go to work. When I made today's appointment I never thought it would come, it seemed to take forever! And then all of a sudden it snuck up on me. Day 21 is my least favorite appointment...I would rather have an entire room of doctors looking at my lady parts (like they do on day 28-except it's only one doctor) than have blood drawn. The girl that's been doing it the past couple times is really good at finding a vein where they can get enough blood. I had a different girl today and she was not as good, better than some-but still had to poke me twice. I asked if I would get the results back today, she said she didn't want to promise anything so more than likely it'll be Monday before I hear anything. (Until then I'm going to be pulling my hair out.)

Fun fact- I've been charting my cervical position completely wrong the last two months! I was reading some stuff online about checking your cervix and one website explained it a lot better than my book. When you're charting you mark whether your cervix is low, mid, or high and then open or closed. I assumed that whole thing was talking about your cervical opening...NOPE! The low, mid, or high relates to your actual cervix. If it's low it's easier to reach with your finger. If it's high that means it's harder to reach. Hopefully I haven't missed an ovulation due to my charting error.

Day 20

Tomorrow's my appointment. I'm a little nervous, but trying not to think about it. Yesterday was my first day back at work, it went fairly well, but the place was a mess! It was good to keep me busy all day, I was really tired. Last night I went to a friends house for a Beauticontrol Spa party. It was so much fun and relaxing! At the end of the party she talked about becoming a member of it. Once we have kids, I really want to quit Lowe's (or go part time) and I was beginning to think that might be a good option but it seems so risky.

I think I had ovulation pains yesterday. At first I was a little worried, late ovulation can mean a luteal phase deficiency but if this cycle is like last cycle that would give me a 10 day luteal phase so if I really did ovulate it would be ok. *crossing my fingers*

Day 17

It was SO nice to sleep in my own bed last night! I had a great day today. Troy came home from work and said we could go out to eat anywhere I wanted to, I chose Olive Garden, and it was fantastic! Then we bought two new Kinect games, played those for awhile-they're pretty fun.

I am NOT excited to go back to work on Wednesday! This vacation was too short. I've been feeling kind of crummy the past couple days-upset stomach, cramping(gas...not ovaries), and really exhausted. My sister felt like she was getting the flu this weekend so hopefully I'm not getting it!

Day 16

I'm finally home! I had a great time with my family, but a calm came over me when I got home. I haven't let Troy leave my side since then and I hate to see him go to work. We'll have the next two days together though, I'm so excited.

My temperature is back down to 96.3, so I'm guessing I'm not pregnant right now, and that sleep was a major factor. My cervical fluid has been a lot more slippery and lubricative which according to my chart is the most fertile...I haven't had a chance to check my cervical position. The second month into this charting and it's still a little overwhelming to me!

"We're still here!"

I'm almost certain my ovaries knew I was upset with them because I've been cramping all afternoon! Nothing like last month, but just enough as if they're saying "We're still here." Now I just need to get them to do their job!

I was raised a Jehovah's Witness and quit going to meetings when I was 16. Since then, my prayers have been far and few-but I find they're becoming more frequent. I prayed for the strength to continue and that something...ANYTHING...is going on in my body right now. This is Day 15, but Day 1 of my two week wait. I'm certainly going to have mixed feelings if I get my period on my own next time. I'll be happy to still be getting it, but upset that I'm not pregnant.

I'm really missing Troy right now. He's so important to me and as much as I love coming back home, it pulls at my sanity to be away from him for this long.

Day 15

I didn't get a chance to take my temperature yesterday. I woke up at 4 AM tossing and turning, so I knew it wouldn't be an accurate read. (I should probably take it anyway) Today I wasn't quite asleep for 3 full hours but I took it anyway. The last couple times I've taken it it's been in the 97 range, usually it's in the low-mid 96's. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but my fertility book said if you're temperature is elevated for 18 days it means you're pregnant. I'm hopeful, but at the same time I'm nervous. I'm not "feeling" my ovaries like I was last month. Right around day 14 I had shooting pains in my ovary region anytime I peed. For two weeks after that, I was really crampy. This month, I feel nothing. I'm hoping it's maybe because my ovaries have had time to adjust and so they aren't causing me so much pain. I wish my Day 21 appointment would hurry up and get here, I want to know what my Progesterone level is this month.

I made dinner for a friend last night. We watched 'You Again.' It was a cute movie, but not the greatest I've seen. I had bought a pouch of Peach Daquiri and a bottle of Sparkling Wine. I was feeling pretty good, it helped to calm my nerves for awhile. This morning I'm back to freaking out!

I go home tomorrow...and then Wednesday I'm back to work (ICK!). At first I wasn't sure if I should take vacation when I'm really not going to be doing awhole lot, but I am SO happy I did. It's been a great week and I can't wait to get home to see my hubby. I've really missed him the last few days.

Day 13

Made it to my parents today just fine. Enjoyed some cheese curds and then some time with my sister and niece. Tomorrow I'm going to have dinner with a friend and then probably a movie. It's always so nice and relaxing to come back home, it's almost like a mini vacation. I informed work that I would NOT be answering the phone while I was down.

I checked my cervix last night and it kind of felt like it had moved. I don't know if it's just because I wanted it to move, or because it actually moved. I'm trying to keep a really close eye on it especially since I'm not at home right now. I hope I ovulate, but I also don't want to cut my visit short!

We had sex last night since I was leaving today. I cried again afterwards. The last few times I've cried...I feel like such an idiot, Troy's gotten into the habit now he just automatically puts his arms out to comfort me while I cry. I'm not sure why I do, I think I just want a baby so bad, my emotions get the best of me.

Day 12

Our house is finally starting to look like a house again. It was such a cluttered mess with all the new stuff in the house. We got rid of the Wii yesterday and tomorrow I'm taking our old TV, stand, and movie towers to my sisters house tomorrow. I can honestly say I'm excited to go back home, I need some time away from Troy. But mainly I need an even better excuse to not answer calls from work. Something happened on Sunday between a couple of my cashiers and I have been dealing with it every day of my vacation. I'm starting to get really tired of it.

Troy and I laid down for a nap at 3 and at 3:30 I was woken up by a call from work. I've been up ever since and now my stomach is really upset. Hopefully I'm not getting sick again! I'm thinking it could be nerves. We're just a couple days away from when I should be ovulating if I am going to this month.

Day 11

Day 2 of vacation and I'm just hoping it's more relaxing than yesterday! We got our taxes back so we went and got our new TV. We also had to buy a new entertainment center...which had to be put together! It actually went together pretty smoothly, we just had a few minor issues but managed to not kill each other. When it came to connect all the cords for the TV, we had a few more problems! We could get our X-Box or the Blu Ray to work, but not both at the same time. So we took a break for dinner and then went back to Target and asked one of our friends what to do. $60 later we left with two HDMI cords. Fortunately it worked perfectly, no issues at all. Shopping, assembling, and connecting cords took six and a half hours! It's totally worth it though, the TV is amazing.

This morning I'm drinking coffee and making blueberry muffins. Troy's still asleep, he was awake for 22 hours yesterday. I finished my Clomid Sunday so right around this weekend I should know if I ovulated or not, but then on the 18th I have my Day 21 appointment so we'll find out for sure if I did or not. I feel pretty good this month, Sunday and yesterday I was a little bitchier than normal but nothing too bad.

My sister is taking our old TV so I'm going to go back home this weekend. I told my mom if I ovulate this weekend it'd be a short trip...Haha!

Day 7

Only 2 days left of work and I'm on vacation. After tonight, it can't come soon enough. I don't know if I was being Punk'd or what but everybody was exceptionally stupid! I had all kinds of questions that left me thinking "Did they really just ask me that?"

There was another pregnancy announcement today as well. I had a melt down in the bathroom...I've gotten progressively better at hiding these melt downs. Today almost no one knew there was anything wrong. This particular announcement was especially upsetting for me, it's a heavier set girl. I might sound like an asshole when I say that...but let me explain. Everything I've read about PCOS seems to indicate that being overweight is usually what throws your hormones out of whack, causing PCOS. So basically, I'm infertile right now because I'm fat. That was the reason I quit going to the first OB-GYN I went to up here because she spent the entire time telling me how all my problems are because I'm fat. My current doctor has NEVER said anything about my weight. So it's especially upsetting for me when heavier girls have no problem getting pregnant...especially when they're bigger than me. Before I begin to sound too bitter, I would also like to add that while I'm upset, I am also incredibly happy for this couple.

I know I'll never get the answers, but I always wonder why this had to happen to me. Why morbidly obese women...or drug addicts are able to get pregnant and I can't. Why is it that someone unemployed, living off the state pops out a kid every other day. I always wonder what I did to deserve this. It seems like some people have it all, everything's served to them on a silver platter. While Troy and I have to fight for just about everything, one time (just one time) I want something to come easy. I'm just not sure how much more fight I have left in me.

Day 6.5-7

The one thing I wish for right now is sleep! The last few nights I haven't been sleeping very well. I think that might be aiding in my recent depression. My alarm goes off every morning at 5 AM so that I can take my temperature. I used to be able to go right back to sleep (if I wasn't opening) but now I wake up with a terrible pain in my back which makes it really hard for me to go back to sleep. I am completely exhausted and still can't sleep. Tonight a headache is keeping me up.

Checked on the status of our tax refund today. Says it should be deposited into our account Monday. We're buying a new TV and an X Box 360 with a Kinect. I have been listening to Troy complain about wanting a new TV for 3 years now so I finally caved in and told him as long as all of our bills were finally caught up he could get a new TV. I'm excited for the Kinect, it'll be a lot easier for me to work out than with the Wii Fit. The Kinect doesn't require a remote to hold on to. As happy as I am to be getting all this while I'm on vacation, I was also hoping it would be toward the end of my vacation. I'll never get ANYTHING done! LOL

Day 6

I've been really down yesterday and today. Feeling slightly better after a nap and some greasy, gross McDonalds. Troy and I quit eatting McDonalds awhile back, and I haven't really craved it since. I've had it maybe a handful of times since then...but today I was actually craving it. Now I'm going to dye my hair and relax the rest of the day. I only have 3 more days of work before my vacation. I'm hoping my "Stay-cation" will put me in better spirits.

Day 5

The weathers been terrible the past couple days...fortunately I have today and tomorrow off, and I'm on vacation next week! I drove to work yesterday, the drive home was terrifying. Troy and I rented movies and plan on staying in all day today.

Today's my first day of Clomid. I'm crossing my fingers for a miracle, but trying really hard to not get my hopes up. Some days I feel like it's never going to happen, today is one of those days. It's a good thing I don't have to work, today is a bad day and I'm in no mood to be working. I try really hard to not let this affect my moods, but sometimes it's hard to fake a smile.