Day 16

Troy and I have both been sick today...I think mine's from the Metformin, hopefully Troy doesn't have the flu. I'm feeling much better mentally and emotionally today though, still a little down but trying to be more positive. I have this strong urge to just shut down but something inside keeps me fighting. I seem to have reached a bump with my weight loss...I haven't lost any weight in almost a week, but I also haven't gained any either. We're hoping to get an elliptical soon, I know that exercise is very important but with it getting cold now, going outside isn't much of an option. The Metformin has started to make me not wanna eat at all...my stomach's been upset all day. Still waiting to hear back from the doctor, find out what she wants to do and if they are able to change my billing. On a  much more positive note, Glee rocked my world tonight! It has to be my favorite show ever and can always put a smile on my face.

Day 15

Well, this seems like a total waste right now considering everything that has happened, but I guess I'm in it for the long haul now so I might as well keep up my blog. We got a letter in the mail last night from my last doctors visit...NOTHING was covered. We called the insurance company this morning and they said it's because the claim was sent in with an infertility diagnosis so they won't even cover the office visit! So then we called the doctor to find out where to go from here. They are going to talk to the billing department and see if there's a way they can cheat the system. Regardless of what they do I will have to pay for the bloodwork they did, which I was expecting to pay for anyway. But they were going to see if they can classify me as a new patient or something so the insurance company will pay for the office visit. Then my HR manager and I called my insurance company to talk about what my coverage will be like come the first of the year. Starting then I will not only be covered under Troy's insurance, I'll be back on my own as well. Troy's insurance is BCBS of Iowa and mine is BCBS of Alabama so we asked how being double covered will work. They said to use Troy's as my primary insurance and use mine as a back up for anything they don't cover and then I would just have to pay the difference in copay. My insurance covers basic infertility treatments so hopefully we can get this all figured out.

With that all said, that also means we have to put off baby-making until the first of the year. There's no way for me to go back to the doctor until then and NOT have to pay for it. So I think I'm going to finish my Metformin and then hold off on the Clomid until January. I'll spend December concentrating on myself, getting everything in order.

Day 14

Had a great time shopping today. Got some new perfume and body spray and a couple new shirts. Mostly it was just nice to get out...and I enjoyed the people watching also. It's interesting to look at people at the mall and see how everybody's priorities are so different. You see people in ratty old clothes buying prime rib and 90 year old wine, people with extravagant clothing and cars buying off brand food, people who are so career focused they don't have time for anything else, and others who are so family oriented they wouldn't dream of working. So it got me thinking where I stand on priorities...I think family definately comes first for me. My parents, my sisters, my husband, my in-laws, and even my dogs all come first in my life. And that also includes my future child. I would give up everything for them.

That's about all the insight I can handle for one day. Back to work tomorrow...and I start taking 3 pills, let's hope I don't blind or something!

Day 13

Not much to report...crazy day at work today. Still really busy and a lot of people complaining...employees included! We're going shopping tomorrow, not really sure if there's anything I want, but I can at least look around. Still haven't been sick like I was Wednesday night, must have been something I ate...Monday I start three pills, we'll see what happens then! I rented Charlie St. Cloud and Eat, Pray, Love tonight, I'm excited to have a chick flick night!

Have a good weekend.

Day 12

Happy Black Friday. It was crazy this morning at work!! I pulled into the parking lot shortly after 3, the line to Target was sheer madness, I guess I'm thankful I didn't have to work at Target today. We went inside and found out we had 82 internet orders to process before 5 AM....I know, holy poop! There were a lot of people in at 4 and fortunately I had the money all out by 4. I was a little chaotic, especially because we had some people pulling orders that had only started less than a month ago. Everybody was in a fairly good mood though and we all helped eachother and got it done just in time.

This holiday season definately has it out for my diet. I did pretty good yesterday, ate a few things not on my diet but still felt pretty good. Today? Not so much. Breakfast pizza for breakfast, Jimmy Johns for lunch...Ugh! It doesn't seem to have made me sick yet though, so I'm going to count that as a blessing.

Sunday I'm going shopping with my MIL and SIL and as much as I dislike shopping, it'll be nice to get out of the house. Maybe I can find some left over black friday deals!

Day 11

Feeling a bit better today. Woke up early, drank some coffee (with Splenda of course), and I'm now watching Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. We're heading over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving this afternoon, I wish I could go back home. It wouldn't even be worth it though, I had to close last night so I wouldn't have been able to leave until this morning and then I'd have to leave at like 4 this afternoon because I have to work at 3:30 in the morning tomorrow! (UGH!)

I had a little melt down this morning...it's so easy right now to feel like I have nothing to be thankful for and feel down. So I had a short moment of pity for myself, and now I'm feeling better and realize that despite all the bad that's happening right now, I am truely blessed. I have incredible friends and family who have been SO supportive through this entire thing. I have the best husband in the world, he has been so supportive, caring, understanding, and comforting. And I'm thankful for my two wonderful dogs...my beautiful girl Bailey and my precious princess Lexi, who for right now, are the kids I can't have and a true joy in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Days 9 and 10

I can't believe I forgot to post yesterday! It's been a hectic couple days, planning for Thanksigiving and getting ready for Black Friday. Yesterday was fine, tonight I'm not feeling so hot. I think taking 2 pills a day is finally getting to me. I got my books yesterday, I've been reading the PCOS book and it's really informative. I've learned a lot. Sometime I need to fit in reading the Fertility book too. I need to start taking my temperature again in the off chance I'll start ovulating...not getting my hopes up though.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Day 8

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE Mondays?! Today was a terrible day at work...everybody had something to bitch about and I really just didn't feel good. Today was the first day I had to take two pills and I just took my second pill a couple hours ago so I probably won't feel any change until tomorrow or Wednesday but my stomach's been really upset today. I ate too much at lunch, and even though it was all healthy food, my stomach still hurts. Hopefully I remember how miserable I was today at Thanksgiving and don't over eat!!

Day 7...A totally random compilation of thoughts

Had a good time at our nephew's birthday party today. We're both really tired today and I am definately not ready to go back to work tomorrow! Why do your days off go by so fast? I weighed myself tonight, I've lost 3 pounds since last Monday. I've been feeling really good this weekend, I'm enjoying this diet. Tomorrow I start taking two Metformins a day...I'm nervous, but it's something I've gotta do. Maybe I'll lose even more weight! I've noticed I'm not as hungry anymore, which is definately good.

Day 6.5

I ordered a couple books online tonight. "What to do when the doctor says PCOS" (one that a friend told me about) and "Managing your fertility" (one the doctor told me about). The second one talks about charting and stuff like that. The charting still overwhelms me, so I'd like to know how to do it right and know the signs when it comes that time. I'm not sure what the first one is about...well, PCOS obviously, but the girl who told me about it said it's a really helpful book.

Alot of things I've been reading about infertility say that Facebook is the worst for infertile couples because of all the baby announcements and baby pictures. Today has been exceptionally tough, I think everybody and their dog either posted baby pictures or baby announcements. It's really hard to see it, but I'm trying to not be the fertility Scrooge.

It's not very often I'm rendered speechless but awhile back at work a girl says "I didn't know if I should tell you I was pregnant, I didn't want you to get mad at me!" Seriously? ...What do you say to that? That's awkward on all accounts! I told the people I trusted that we were struggling with infertility, but I'm finding myself in lots of awkward situations lately. And with as sarcastic as I am, it's hard to not say something offensive! I haven't told too many people we're on fertility drugs, I don't want to get the "Does that mean you're going to be the next octamom?" It worries me what would come out of my mouth! "To hell with octamom...I'm shooting for 16!"

Day 6

Is it day 31 yet??!

Today was my first full day of the diet and I feel incredible. I made the "diet" pumpkin pie, it is SO good! Troy and I went shopping, I got a really cute pair of jeans. Tomorrow is our nephews birthday party, then Thanksgiving, and then next weekend I'm going shopping with my MIL and SIL. Nothing too exciting...

Day 5

Today I am feeling much better. I did a lot of reading on Metformin and infertility last night. Metformin is not only supposed to help level out my hormone levels but it's also supposed to help me lose weight because it helps with insulin which is kind of what makes you hungry. I doubt I've lost any weight, but I can definately tell I'm not as hungry. I have learned my lesson though...no more junk food for me! I'm a little nervous for Monday, I start taking two pills a day instead of one.

We're going grocery shopping in about an hour. I'm actually really excited to start my diet. I did really good today for breakfast I had yogurt and oatmeal. A girl from work is going to diet with me which should help to encourage me and keep me on the right track. I've been feeling a lot more motivated lately though, first with quitting smoking and now with losing weight. I just keep telling myself it's for not only my health but for my future baby too. I've decided if I don't get pregnant on this first round of pills I would like to take a little break to lose weight. I wanted to do it before, but by then we'd already made our appointment and I didn't want to go to the doctor and be like "I decided I don't want to get pregnant right now, thanks though!" I keep looking at women who are overweight and pregnant and they don't even look pregnant...they just look fat. And I really don't want someone looking at me when I'm pregnant and not know that I am and just think I'm a fat ass. It sounds really shallow, I know.

Day 4

Went home sick today...I felt like absolute death! I came home, took a shower, a four hour nap, ate a sandwich and now I'm feeling much better. I guess the way I feel on these pills really do depend on what I eat. I just got done making a grocery list for tomorrow. I looked on the South Beach website but didn't really like any of their recipes. I got a feel for what's allowed so I think I'm going to just wing it.

Day 3 Part 1

Today was a terrible day! I got some parts in I had ordered for this jerk of a customer. I go to call him, I've thrown away his number. I spent all day trying to find it, I was starting to get a little worried. Of all phone numbers to lose it had to be this guys! Just as I'm getting ready to leave he comes in. I was happy he came in, and lied and told him I was getting ready to call him. Never once in this two week time span has he thanked me. I was so angry I wanted to jump across that counter and strangle him.

The medicine is starting to make me feel nasty. I've had a really upset stomach all day, and if I walked too far I started to feel really light headed. I'm really nervous for next week when I double my dosage...or the next week when I triple it!!!

I'm really angry at my husband today. We deposited some money into our account to pay a bill...a bill that he said he had paid half of but then we find out if we don't pay it by tomorrow our powers going to get turned off! We got a joint account back in May so that he could better handle our finances...such a fine job he's doing! I'm so tired of fighting about money. We fought about it when we had our own accounts and we fight about it even more with a joint account. He acts like part of it isn't my money. Today, I wanted to only deposit some of it and all I wanted was $20...that's not too much to ask, right? He gets all pissy and tells me to put it all in our account. I love my husband to death, but sometimes I really just wanna punch his lights out!

Hopefully tomorrow's better!

Day 2...Part 1

Took my first Metformin last night with dinner. A lady I've been emailing back and forth, who went through the same infertility issues, warned me I might have some bowel issues the first day or so. So far, I feel fine...I'm just a little exhausted. She also said I would feel funny the first few days until my body adjusted to it. Last night I felt like I had taken a bunch of nyquil, I was there, but I wasn't. It was really weird.

My doctor called back with my test results from yesterday. My Progesterone is .5 or .05, I forget. And any level below 5 (yes, that's a whole number) is considered to not be ovulating. I was a little alarmed my number was THAT low but she assured me that just because my number is that low it doesn't mean I'm infertile or anything. She told me to continue with the Metformin and see what happens.

Today Troy is on a cleaning kick and insists that I should be too. I have no motivation today. I decided to clean the laundry closet thinking it would be a nice, easy sit down job. That was like the point of no return! When did I let it get that messy? My sinuses are not very happy with me right now and my eyes are watering. We're taking a much needed break so Troy can shower. We ran out of dryer sheets so I thought that would be my excuse to stop cleaning. Silly me! We're just going to buy some more...

Day 1...Part 1

Our appointment went great today! Dr. Sposato was incredible. Looking at my records she said I'm actually right on the line of having PCOS, on some doctors scales I do, on others I don't. So for arguments sake I'm just going to say I have it. We talked about a few things today and then she put me on Metformin. She wanted to try Metformin on it's own first and then if that doesn't work we're going to pair it with Clomid. I have to take Metformin for a month. On day 31 if I haven't had a period I have to take a pregnancy test, if that comes back negative I'll take Provera again to induce my period. On day 5-9 I'll take Clomid. On day 22 I have to get some lab work done and then day 28 I have to go back in for an office visit.

Quite frankly, I'm a little overwhelmed right now, but she wrote it all down and then gave me the name of some fertility books I can check out to help me understand more of what's going on. Tonight with dinner I will take my first Metformin...so today is Day 1.

One more day to our appointment

Today was another bad day...not really infertility-wise...more so work-wise. Everybody called in, everybody was crabby, it just wasn't a good day. A whole bunch of us went out last night and at one point in the night one of the girls says "Courtney, you better enjoy this now because when you have kids you won't be able to get out anymore!" #1 it was totally random, #2 it was stupid in itself because there were two moms out with us last night and #3 I would be a hermit for the rest of my life if it meant I could get pregnant right now. It just amazes me what comes out of peoples mouths.

I've been emailing this girl I met on a message board who went through the same thing as I am right now. She's really been a lot of help. It's nice to have friends who support me through this, but she actually GETS it. She has felt the pain I'm feeling right now, lately she's kind of been my voice of sanity. With my appointment coming up Monday she's been helping me come up with things I need to talk to my doctor about and the past couple days we've been talking about diet. She recommended I try Atkins/South Beach, basically anything low-no carb. Diets like that are supposed to help women with PCOS better than say Weight Watchers or something. It's gotten me feeling pretty positive, and I'm actually excited for next paycheck so I can start my new diet.

What else can they possibly charge me for?

We went to pick up copies of my test results today and the doctors office charged us $25! I realize that's probably a standard procedure but it really irritated me. I paid to see that doctor, I paid to have the tests done, and now I have to pay to see my own records? Next they'll start charging me just to call them! I'm so glad we're done with that doctor, it wasn't just today I was upset about, that was just the topping on the cake. Every time we went I felt like he was too busy for me, his receptionists were always rude, and he would find any excuse to charge me an office visit! I'm really hoping my next doctor is a lot better, I hear really good things about that entire clinic.

When we got home I read over my file and it made me even more angrier. Some the notes the doctor had put in he hadn't even discussed with me. Like after my first visit he had written down a couple things he thought it might be, he had never once talked to me about that and what it might mean or why he was giving me the pills he did. I don't need a doctor to be my best friend, I just need one who I feel cares about me as a patient and can handle me in the fragile and sometimes psychotic state I'm in right now.

I have my good days and I have my bad days...and then I have the days where I don't even want to get out of bed. Today is somewhere in the middle. My melt downs are getting more intense and more frequent. I try to hold it together for Troy but that is becoming harder and harder. I don't like days like today where I'm off work and Troy's sleeping. It gives me too much time to think. I try to get up and clean, or take the dogs for a walk but it's hard to find the motivation. I watched a show the other day about 3 pregnant women who were moridly obese thinking it would give me hope, it just upset me more.

I can feel the tension in the air

Our appointment is Monday and I can tell that for this appointment I'm not the only one that's nervous, I think Troy is too. We're going to our old doctor tomorrow to get our last test results so our new doctor can take a look at them. The last time I had spoken to my old doctor he had wanted me to come in so he could talk to me about taking Clomid (otherwise known as another excuse to charge me an office visit!) so when I called today they looked at my information and said they noticed I hadn't made an appointment yet and asked if I wanted to. I just said I was getting a second opinion and they left it at that.

Troy and I were both off today. Last night we had rented a bunch of movies, thinking it was going to rain today. I woke up this morning to clear skies and looked at the weather to find out it wasn't going to rain at all. We started a movie while we ate breakfast and then took the dogs for a really long walk. We were all pooped by the end! We've been trying to plan ahead for Christmas this year, which isn't working so well, but we decided to go to the mall today to look at a few things. We ran into one of my managers who moved to another store, it was nice to see her today. She was really what kept me sane at work (and I'm not just saying that because she reads my blog...haha!) The rest of the afternoon we stayed on the couch finishing our movies. Troy rented the old Tron and made me watch it...this brought me to the conclusion that my husband is a total nerd! I realize it was ahead of it's time back in the 80's but it was the most ridiculous graphics I've ever seen. I didn't pay much attention to it, but I suppose I'll be seeing the new one next month.

I've been trying to quit smoking since April when we went to Florida...and I few times I've done really good, but somethine always sets me off and I start smoking again. After I made Monday's appointment I decided I would quit by November 1 to be 100% smoke free for two weeks before our appointment. I can't say I've been perfect these 10 days but I can say I feel much better then I have any of the other times. I think it's because now I have a reason to quit smoking (my future family) before I knew I should quit but never really wanted to.

Cheap wine...A poor girls best friend

Just got back from grocery shopping. Now I am relaxing on the couch with a mini bottle of Sutter Home Moscato and Keebler Cheesecake middle cookies...these cookies are so good it's sinful. I spent way too much grocery shopping and Troy will probably kill me but I'm super excited about what I got. We're trying to cook more and not eat out so I got stuff to make Bruschetta, stir fry, and Hy-vee had a coupon for a free Turkey if you bought a certain ham. So not only do we have a whole ham but we also have a 12 pound turkey! I bought some turkey stuffing mix with a turkey bake on the back that sounded really good. This will be the first turkey I've cooked by myself so it should be interesting! I also have some scalloped potatos I didn't use last time that I can put the ham in.

This morning I found two of the cutest shirts for Lexi.

She probably totally hates me, but she had outgrown her sweaters from last year and I didn't want her getting cold this winter! I think Mika (our cat) is very jealous that I didn't get her a shirt too!

 

I also put up our mini Christmas tree. We had a big one, but with the dogs we just don't have room. I think I'll buy a little tree skirt for it and I still have to find a small star to put on top.





When everybody else is in dreamland...I'm blogging

I watched Sex and the City 2 yesterday. Not only was it absolutely fabulous but it also got me thinking...about a few things. A good chunk of the movie focuses on Carrie and Big choosing to not have children, and Carrie wonders if her and Big are enough. It made me wonder if (worst case scenario) Troy and I would be enough. With Troy's sister being adopted, he has made it completely clear that he's open to adoption but I haven't really decided how I feel about it. Would I want to adopt? And I know that if we did I would love that child unconditionally, but would it be enough to fill that void?

The other thing it got me thinking about is ever since I moved up here I haven't felt like I had a close group of friends like I did back home. Even after 3 years I still kind of feel like an outsider, but in all honesty I have an incredibly support group up here. I may not have 3 close friends that I do almost everything with like they do on Sex and the City, but I have a large group of friends I can turn to when I need someone and that made me feel truely blessed.

Feeling much better

Had a major melt down last night and now I'm feeling much better. I think I just needed a good cry, I hold everything in for so long it all kind of comes spewing out every once in awhile. I'm still a little down, but feeling considerably better.

As much as I despise my job, a lot of the people there really help to cheer me up. We have such a close group of people, we're like one big dysfunctional family. Work usually helps to get my mind off of things, except the ungodly amount of baby bumps I see in a day. Then there's the heathens tearing through the store that make me wonder why I want kids so badly. I've learned to laugh most of it off, if I didn't I think I'd go insane.

I have a much needed day off tomorrow, it's also pay day. Troy and I have decided to try and not eat out so I am going to try and cook more. I've been looking for some new and interesting recipes but it's so hard to find something that Troy and I will both like. It's also hard to find something easy enough for me to cook! :)

"I could really use a wish right now..."

It's been awhile since I've been on here...nothing "blogworthy" ever really happens. I'm just a boring old married lady. Our next doctors appointment is in a week and a half and I'm pretty nervous. We just got a bill in the mail from our last round of tests...apparently it wasn't all covered. The bills keep adding up and I feel like we've gotten no where. I switched to Troy's insurance just recently because it's considerably better than Lowe's but it has no infertility coverage so my HR has talked about being double covered for a year. That's even more money out of our pocket right now, but in the long run it might save us money. As if it's not enough we're infertile...now we're practically poor. I might just be having a pity party right now because I'm so overwhelmed, but I am completely miserable right now. Hopefully we can find out something at the doctor finally, I could really use a wish right now.