...and a Happy New Year

It's been awhile since I've been on here. It's been a busy couple of weeks. Last Friday we made our last payment to the credit card...Woohoo! I've officially hit the 10 pound mark on weight loss, primarily because I've been sick for almost 2 weeks. I had a sinus infection a week or two ago and I woke up yesterday with a fever. It was 103 all night...and since 10 this morning it's been at 101. I don't feel pukey, just weak and dizzy. Troy's had a cold all week and is still managing to take care of me today...he's so incredible!

I hope everybody had a great Christmas. It used to be my favorite holiday, mainly because I went so long without celebrating it. This year, however, was just a terrible reminder that Troy and I still aren't pregnant. I enjoyed watching the joy on my nephews faces as they opened their presents but I had to fight back the tears the entire time.

I have two more days of Provera so after the first of the year I should get my period and then I'll start the Clomid. I finally finished "Managing your fertility" so I'm excited to put to use everything I've learned.

For now, it's back to bed for me!

White Christmas

What a week it's been! Thursday a friend from work and I went and got our nails done. I got sparkly red tips so I'm feeling extra festive. It was nice to treat myself like that, it's been awhile since I've been able to do that. Friday I took a half day at work and spent the whole time shopping and baking. I've spent so much time baking this weekend I'm beyond over it. I had found some really cute pictures in a magazine of decorated gingerbreadmen so I had the insane idea to recreate a couple of them. They turned out pretty well, but it was a real pain in my ass to make. Friday night we went to the Tonic Sol Fa concert with my in laws. They are an acapella group that primarily do Christmas but also do other songs. It was so much fun! Yesterday another friend from work had a baby shower and then we went to one of Troy's friends houses. We played the Xbox 360 with kinect, which we had been talking about getting after Christmas but now we REALLY want one. It was so much fun! Today we started and finished our nieces and nephews Christmas shopping. We already knew what they wanted so it was really easy to shop for them.

I took my first Provera today so in about 3 weeks I should be getting my period. I have to take Provera for 10 days, with Dr. Sager I only took it for 5 but I guess each doctor is different.

Hello Cervix, I'm Courtney

I've been reading this book called "Taking charge of your fertility." It teaches a charting method called FAM (Fertility Awareness Method.) At first I thought it sounded like something a hippy would do, talking about natural contraception, etc. But I think it's going to be a great way to help me figure out if I'm ovulating. It uses three ways to track your fertile and non-fertile days

1. BBT (Basal Body Temp)
2. Cervical Fluid
3. Cervical Position (This last one is optional and sometimes only needed if the first two are questionable.)

Before going to the doctor last month, and after my last round of Provera I had started taking my temperature but never knew about the other two signs of fertility. I'll admit it kind of freaked me out and quite honestly I wasn't even sure where my cervix was! Fortunately, the book has pretty graphic pictures of the female anatomy and I was able to find it quite easily. It was a little awkward, but kind of interesting.

People's ignorance really comes out when an infertility announcement is made. It's like telling someone you have herpes. Infertility isn't contagious. Neither is PCOS, my cause for infertility. I've developed a sense of humor about this, I believe it's the only way for me to get through this.

Day 28

This is my first day off the Metformin and I'm already starting to feel like I want to eat everything in sight. This makes me a little nervous, so I've been monitoring the situation and trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of food. I used the elliptical again today, 15 minutes this time. My legs are still a little tight, but not as bad. I'm going to try adding some Yoga to the mix mainly to help with the tight muscles but it's also recommended to calm stress.

Friday we're going to the Tonic Solfa concert with Troy's family. We've gone one other time and had a lot of fun so I'm really excited. This Christmas will be the best one Troy and I have had so far. On Friday we will make our final payment to the Target card (the payment that has been ruining our lives for 2 years). We will actually have money left after all our bills, and even enough money to buy Christmas presents and NOT stress about it! I've got a major itch to go shopping, Troy says he's coming with me on Saturday to make sure I don't blow all of our money. On Saturday I also have a friends baby shower. I've been a little leery about going because I used to cry just thinking about it. After the last week or so I've started feeling a lot better about it and have decided to go. She miscarried about two years ago and even though they haven't been hard-core trying this whole time I know it still took a toll on her. I also know she is one of the most excited pregnant ladies I've ever seen, and I see that being me some day. That being said I know how much it means to her. I have decided to suck it up, put my feelings aside for a day, and be there for someone who's been there for me every time I needed her.

Day 27...in case you're wondering

Pretty soon I'm going to have to start all over on counting days. I have one Metformin left...ONE! Yay! The doctor said to wait until day 31 to take a PT so I'll probably just wait until Friday (payday) to take one and then I'll start my 10 days of Provera.

Today was an exceptionally crappy day at work. Everybody was making me mad, it was morbidly cold, customers were grumpy, and I really didn't feel good. Troy picked me up from work (yes, I'm a weenie) and he said he felt like going someplace for dinner so we went to Applebee's and got their 2 for $20. Being on this diet has really made me appreciate "real" food. I got a Florentine Ravioli, totally against my diet, but I savored every second of it and made sure not to overstuff myself.

We got an elliptical from my SIL tonight. I was on it for 10 minutes before my legs were screaming. Troy just got off it and said he doesn't like it because his feet keep slipping. I LOVE it and can't wait until my legs are more used to it so I can go longer. I really wasn't out of breath, my leg muscles weren't used to it.

Even though work sucked today was the best day I've had for awhile. It's been refreshing. If it's nicer out tomorrow we might go to Valley Junction. My sister recommended it as a spot to find really good local shops, I've personally never been there, but have been shopping some of the shops online the past week and they have some really cool stuff!

Who's keeping track of days anymore?

I. Hate. Iowa! This weather........SUCKS. Fortunately Troy's off today and tomorrow (he switched with somebody, normally he'd be working) so he can take me to and from work. I've been sick all week. Finally went to the doctor yesterday, I have a sinus infection. I've been miserable, I still am. On a positive note, tomorrow is my last day of Metformin! At least for now, the doctor will probably put me back on it later. I just hope I can continue to lose weight off the Metformin, otherwise I'll have to go back on it. Monday I'll take a pregnancy test, if it's negative I'll induce my period and then start the Clomid. I'm a little nervous, I've heard once they start uping your dosage you can get a little bitchy...like I need any help with that!

Stay warm everybody!

Day 25

Finally heard back from the doctors office today. They resubmitted me office visit as "Amenorrhea" since she did prescribe Provera for me. Crossing my fingers hoping the insurance company will accept this one. We also talked more about taking Clomid. I was a little confused and Troy had thrown away my notes. It's exciting to be able to move forward like this.

I'm starting to feel like death again. Now I feel like there's an elephant on my chest, it hurts so bad!

Day 24

Feeling alittle better today after a lot of sleep and a shower. Troy and I were both off today and had a classic "lazy day." We watched tv and a few movies all day. I've been trying to take it easy so I can start feeling better and I think today really helped. I still have tomorrow to recoop too.

I've lost 2 more pounds making that a total 7 pounds. It doesn't seem that great, and sometimes I feel like I should be doing better. Having a history of eating disorders, it's hard for me to adjust to a gradual change. Back in volleyball it wasn't uncommon for me to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks, so 7 pounds in just under a month seems insignificant to me. It's been really hard to adjust to eatting healthy...I've never had a good relationship with food. Anorexia in school, then I stuff my face with everything in front of me. It's been difficult to adjust, but it's starting to become second nature. I automatically reach for the measuring cups now to measure out my portions, I find myself drinking a lot more water, and choosing healthier snacks. Having to think a lot more about my food choices has really taken my mind off the infertility.

Day 23

I feel like I've been hit by a truck...and then it backed up and hit me again! My ears, nose, and throat have been bothering me since yesterday. And the Metformin is really messing up my stomach. I'm miserable today. Fortunately, I have the next two days off and I plan on doing nothing but sleeping! Not much more to report...it's miserably cold and they're calling for snow on Saturday. Ugh!!

Days 21 and 22

I've been really bad about my blog lately! I guess since I don't really need to keep track of days for awhile, they all just run together. I counted my Metformin today...I have 6 days left! I have been miserable the last week. I woke up feeling like death today, I think I'm catching a cold. My throat and sinuses are really bothering me.

Yesterday we were really busy. I worked during the day and then my nephew had a Christmas program. I did get a little emotional, but managed to hold it in. I kept thinking how proud those parents must be to have their kids up there, and that really hurt. So then I started thinking about how proud I would be if that was my kid up there. I even kind of imagined a little Troy/Courtney standing up on that stage, belting out the words. That helped me to get through it except trying to imagine what our kid will look like kind of scared me for a minute. I'm always afraid our child will come out with each of our worst features...my giant forehead, Troys big ears and nose, they'll be short and fat like me instead of tall and skinny like Troy. It's times like that I really hope God does have some grace! Haha.

I stepped on the scale today because I've started feeling like after that first 5 pounds I lost, I had just stopped losing weight. I've lost 4 more pounds for a total weight loss of 9 pounds so far! It was that extra push I needed to keep me motivated. In January we're hoping to get our elliptical so then I can really start losing weight.

Troy let me buy Eclipse last night, I think he can tell I've been a little down lately. I watched it this morning and thought it was a lot better the second time around. I think I just got my hopes up for it to be spectacular the first time. It is still a great movie though, I can't wait for Breaking Dawn to come out!!!

Day 20

It's kind of a rough day. Work really sucked, and I've been feeling exceptionally emotional today...I haven't figured out why yet. We did just find out one of our friends' sister had triplets and shortly after they were born all of them passed away. I was heartbroken...I can't even imagine the pain they're feeling right now! I remember when we were planning our wedding I joined this wedding board and one lady gave birth to a still born. I would be crushed. There's been so many bad things that have happened the last week, I guess maybe that's why I've been so emotional. Even though it hasn't happened to me, bad things have been happening to people around me...sometimes it just makes you wonder why. How could someone be so cruel? Why do babies have to die? Why are homes devestated by fire? If our bodies were meant to make babies, why are some people unable to?

Christmas has arrived at the Stuart house

I was protesting putting up our decorations this year, but since we've gotten lucky with no snow so far I decided I was feeling ambitious today and put them up. I bought some new LED lights that I love, they're so much prettier than the other ones we had. We are the only house in our strip of town homes that has lights up! At least we'll be easy to find. I went to put up my window decals but my white snowmen were now red from the red letters I had in the same bag. Oops! Then I had a cute little snowman yard sign I put up and hung our wreath inside. Troy despises the wreath, it has three presents on it and mice pop out and sing "We wish you a merry Christmas." I love it though! Now I have to find a place to hang our stockings because we got rid of our kitchen table.

I had a pretty good day. It was by no means relaxing, but I enjoyed getting out by myself, even if it was grocery shopping. I got some hummus today, it's the first time I've tried it and I'm not 100% sold...it's kind of gross actually! I'm going to try it again later, but my first impression isn't great.

I have to work this weekend, but Sunday we have my nephews Christmas play at church. Monday Troy's shift from work is going to have lunch, they consider that they're Christmas party. Thursday SEP has their choir concert that Troy wants to go too. Then on the 17th the entire Stuart family is going to Tonic Sol Fa, an acapella group that sings Christmas music. Should be a fun and music filled two weeks!

Days 18 and 19

I forgot to post anything yesterday, mainly because I didn't really have a whole lot to say but also because I was completely miserable yesterday. I'm feeling slightly better today, this Metformin is kicking my ass though! I'm still waiting to hear back from the doctor about my insurance, I'm thinking when they call back I'm going to ask if I ever have to take Metformin again if I can just take 2 pills a day or if I really need to take 3 pills a day. 3 pills a day makes me not want to eat (which I could afford to go a few days without eatting) but even in order to take my pills I have to eat! I made the mistake of not eatting yesterday right after I took the pill, I think that's why I was so sick.

I've decided this time of year is really awkward for me. Everybody asking me what I want for Christmas...and I know it's a completely innocent question, but everytime the first thing that comes to mind is "a baby." One of these times I'm going to blurt that out before I have a chance to think about it and THAT is going to be very awkward! Haha.

I've "liked" this blog on Facebook so anytime it updates I get posts from it. It's called "999 reasons to laugh about infertility." Yesterday they posted "During infertility, laughter (and Clomid) is the best medicine." I've been trying to laugh more things off, like when one of my cashiers really irritates me, or when my husband forgets to dry my clothes. Getting angry and stressed out is part of my problem, and I this. Fortunately, the biggest stressor is going to be gone in two weeks. No, I'm not getting a divorce...our big credit card will FINALLY be paid off. We've been paying on that stupid thing for 2 years now and it's been the cause of much of our financial trouble so it's a big sigh of relief to have that done next paycheck, and right before Christmas too!

Day 82 (or 17 if you're still actually counting)

I don't really have much to say tonight. It's been a draining week and I find myself losing more and more motivation to do even the simplest things. I have Friday off, I'm hoping to use it as a "me" day. Troy will be sleeping, there's a chance of snow so I probably won't do a whole lot. I kind of need to regather myself, maybe I'll go get in my in-laws hot tub, I haven't been in it in awhile. Just found out another friend is pregnant, and while I'm of course happy for her, it hurts. Another friend warned me that it only gets harder, she has also gone through the struggle with infertility. She gave me a few pointers on keeping my sanity, hopefully it'll help.

I've been reading my PCOS book and I'm finding it very informative. I had to force myself through the first few boring chapters about symptoms and stuff but now I'm finally to the diet and exercise part of it and I'm getting much more out of it. While I'm upset about not being able to get pregnant, the PCOS is even more upsetting. It's such a weird disease and frustrating too! There's a million different symptoms, and while you're trying to fix one you might make another one worse. The only way to really make a difference is to lose weight, and with PCOS that's even harder. It's overwhelming and it's even harder to go through something that hardly anyone understands.

Day 16

Troy and I have both been sick today...I think mine's from the Metformin, hopefully Troy doesn't have the flu. I'm feeling much better mentally and emotionally today though, still a little down but trying to be more positive. I have this strong urge to just shut down but something inside keeps me fighting. I seem to have reached a bump with my weight loss...I haven't lost any weight in almost a week, but I also haven't gained any either. We're hoping to get an elliptical soon, I know that exercise is very important but with it getting cold now, going outside isn't much of an option. The Metformin has started to make me not wanna eat at all...my stomach's been upset all day. Still waiting to hear back from the doctor, find out what she wants to do and if they are able to change my billing. On a  much more positive note, Glee rocked my world tonight! It has to be my favorite show ever and can always put a smile on my face.

Day 15

Well, this seems like a total waste right now considering everything that has happened, but I guess I'm in it for the long haul now so I might as well keep up my blog. We got a letter in the mail last night from my last doctors visit...NOTHING was covered. We called the insurance company this morning and they said it's because the claim was sent in with an infertility diagnosis so they won't even cover the office visit! So then we called the doctor to find out where to go from here. They are going to talk to the billing department and see if there's a way they can cheat the system. Regardless of what they do I will have to pay for the bloodwork they did, which I was expecting to pay for anyway. But they were going to see if they can classify me as a new patient or something so the insurance company will pay for the office visit. Then my HR manager and I called my insurance company to talk about what my coverage will be like come the first of the year. Starting then I will not only be covered under Troy's insurance, I'll be back on my own as well. Troy's insurance is BCBS of Iowa and mine is BCBS of Alabama so we asked how being double covered will work. They said to use Troy's as my primary insurance and use mine as a back up for anything they don't cover and then I would just have to pay the difference in copay. My insurance covers basic infertility treatments so hopefully we can get this all figured out.

With that all said, that also means we have to put off baby-making until the first of the year. There's no way for me to go back to the doctor until then and NOT have to pay for it. So I think I'm going to finish my Metformin and then hold off on the Clomid until January. I'll spend December concentrating on myself, getting everything in order.

Day 14

Had a great time shopping today. Got some new perfume and body spray and a couple new shirts. Mostly it was just nice to get out...and I enjoyed the people watching also. It's interesting to look at people at the mall and see how everybody's priorities are so different. You see people in ratty old clothes buying prime rib and 90 year old wine, people with extravagant clothing and cars buying off brand food, people who are so career focused they don't have time for anything else, and others who are so family oriented they wouldn't dream of working. So it got me thinking where I stand on priorities...I think family definately comes first for me. My parents, my sisters, my husband, my in-laws, and even my dogs all come first in my life. And that also includes my future child. I would give up everything for them.

That's about all the insight I can handle for one day. Back to work tomorrow...and I start taking 3 pills, let's hope I don't blind or something!

Day 13

Not much to report...crazy day at work today. Still really busy and a lot of people complaining...employees included! We're going shopping tomorrow, not really sure if there's anything I want, but I can at least look around. Still haven't been sick like I was Wednesday night, must have been something I ate...Monday I start three pills, we'll see what happens then! I rented Charlie St. Cloud and Eat, Pray, Love tonight, I'm excited to have a chick flick night!

Have a good weekend.

Day 12

Happy Black Friday. It was crazy this morning at work!! I pulled into the parking lot shortly after 3, the line to Target was sheer madness, I guess I'm thankful I didn't have to work at Target today. We went inside and found out we had 82 internet orders to process before 5 AM....I know, holy poop! There were a lot of people in at 4 and fortunately I had the money all out by 4. I was a little chaotic, especially because we had some people pulling orders that had only started less than a month ago. Everybody was in a fairly good mood though and we all helped eachother and got it done just in time.

This holiday season definately has it out for my diet. I did pretty good yesterday, ate a few things not on my diet but still felt pretty good. Today? Not so much. Breakfast pizza for breakfast, Jimmy Johns for lunch...Ugh! It doesn't seem to have made me sick yet though, so I'm going to count that as a blessing.

Sunday I'm going shopping with my MIL and SIL and as much as I dislike shopping, it'll be nice to get out of the house. Maybe I can find some left over black friday deals!

Day 11

Feeling a bit better today. Woke up early, drank some coffee (with Splenda of course), and I'm now watching Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. We're heading over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving this afternoon, I wish I could go back home. It wouldn't even be worth it though, I had to close last night so I wouldn't have been able to leave until this morning and then I'd have to leave at like 4 this afternoon because I have to work at 3:30 in the morning tomorrow! (UGH!)

I had a little melt down this morning...it's so easy right now to feel like I have nothing to be thankful for and feel down. So I had a short moment of pity for myself, and now I'm feeling better and realize that despite all the bad that's happening right now, I am truely blessed. I have incredible friends and family who have been SO supportive through this entire thing. I have the best husband in the world, he has been so supportive, caring, understanding, and comforting. And I'm thankful for my two wonderful dogs...my beautiful girl Bailey and my precious princess Lexi, who for right now, are the kids I can't have and a true joy in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Days 9 and 10

I can't believe I forgot to post yesterday! It's been a hectic couple days, planning for Thanksigiving and getting ready for Black Friday. Yesterday was fine, tonight I'm not feeling so hot. I think taking 2 pills a day is finally getting to me. I got my books yesterday, I've been reading the PCOS book and it's really informative. I've learned a lot. Sometime I need to fit in reading the Fertility book too. I need to start taking my temperature again in the off chance I'll start ovulating...not getting my hopes up though.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Day 8

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE Mondays?! Today was a terrible day at work...everybody had something to bitch about and I really just didn't feel good. Today was the first day I had to take two pills and I just took my second pill a couple hours ago so I probably won't feel any change until tomorrow or Wednesday but my stomach's been really upset today. I ate too much at lunch, and even though it was all healthy food, my stomach still hurts. Hopefully I remember how miserable I was today at Thanksgiving and don't over eat!!

Day 7...A totally random compilation of thoughts

Had a good time at our nephew's birthday party today. We're both really tired today and I am definately not ready to go back to work tomorrow! Why do your days off go by so fast? I weighed myself tonight, I've lost 3 pounds since last Monday. I've been feeling really good this weekend, I'm enjoying this diet. Tomorrow I start taking two Metformins a day...I'm nervous, but it's something I've gotta do. Maybe I'll lose even more weight! I've noticed I'm not as hungry anymore, which is definately good.

Day 6.5

I ordered a couple books online tonight. "What to do when the doctor says PCOS" (one that a friend told me about) and "Managing your fertility" (one the doctor told me about). The second one talks about charting and stuff like that. The charting still overwhelms me, so I'd like to know how to do it right and know the signs when it comes that time. I'm not sure what the first one is about...well, PCOS obviously, but the girl who told me about it said it's a really helpful book.

Alot of things I've been reading about infertility say that Facebook is the worst for infertile couples because of all the baby announcements and baby pictures. Today has been exceptionally tough, I think everybody and their dog either posted baby pictures or baby announcements. It's really hard to see it, but I'm trying to not be the fertility Scrooge.

It's not very often I'm rendered speechless but awhile back at work a girl says "I didn't know if I should tell you I was pregnant, I didn't want you to get mad at me!" Seriously? ...What do you say to that? That's awkward on all accounts! I told the people I trusted that we were struggling with infertility, but I'm finding myself in lots of awkward situations lately. And with as sarcastic as I am, it's hard to not say something offensive! I haven't told too many people we're on fertility drugs, I don't want to get the "Does that mean you're going to be the next octamom?" It worries me what would come out of my mouth! "To hell with octamom...I'm shooting for 16!"

Day 6

Is it day 31 yet??!

Today was my first full day of the diet and I feel incredible. I made the "diet" pumpkin pie, it is SO good! Troy and I went shopping, I got a really cute pair of jeans. Tomorrow is our nephews birthday party, then Thanksgiving, and then next weekend I'm going shopping with my MIL and SIL. Nothing too exciting...

Day 5

Today I am feeling much better. I did a lot of reading on Metformin and infertility last night. Metformin is not only supposed to help level out my hormone levels but it's also supposed to help me lose weight because it helps with insulin which is kind of what makes you hungry. I doubt I've lost any weight, but I can definately tell I'm not as hungry. I have learned my lesson though...no more junk food for me! I'm a little nervous for Monday, I start taking two pills a day instead of one.

We're going grocery shopping in about an hour. I'm actually really excited to start my diet. I did really good today for breakfast I had yogurt and oatmeal. A girl from work is going to diet with me which should help to encourage me and keep me on the right track. I've been feeling a lot more motivated lately though, first with quitting smoking and now with losing weight. I just keep telling myself it's for not only my health but for my future baby too. I've decided if I don't get pregnant on this first round of pills I would like to take a little break to lose weight. I wanted to do it before, but by then we'd already made our appointment and I didn't want to go to the doctor and be like "I decided I don't want to get pregnant right now, thanks though!" I keep looking at women who are overweight and pregnant and they don't even look pregnant...they just look fat. And I really don't want someone looking at me when I'm pregnant and not know that I am and just think I'm a fat ass. It sounds really shallow, I know.

Day 4

Went home sick today...I felt like absolute death! I came home, took a shower, a four hour nap, ate a sandwich and now I'm feeling much better. I guess the way I feel on these pills really do depend on what I eat. I just got done making a grocery list for tomorrow. I looked on the South Beach website but didn't really like any of their recipes. I got a feel for what's allowed so I think I'm going to just wing it.

Day 3 Part 1

Today was a terrible day! I got some parts in I had ordered for this jerk of a customer. I go to call him, I've thrown away his number. I spent all day trying to find it, I was starting to get a little worried. Of all phone numbers to lose it had to be this guys! Just as I'm getting ready to leave he comes in. I was happy he came in, and lied and told him I was getting ready to call him. Never once in this two week time span has he thanked me. I was so angry I wanted to jump across that counter and strangle him.

The medicine is starting to make me feel nasty. I've had a really upset stomach all day, and if I walked too far I started to feel really light headed. I'm really nervous for next week when I double my dosage...or the next week when I triple it!!!

I'm really angry at my husband today. We deposited some money into our account to pay a bill...a bill that he said he had paid half of but then we find out if we don't pay it by tomorrow our powers going to get turned off! We got a joint account back in May so that he could better handle our finances...such a fine job he's doing! I'm so tired of fighting about money. We fought about it when we had our own accounts and we fight about it even more with a joint account. He acts like part of it isn't my money. Today, I wanted to only deposit some of it and all I wanted was $20...that's not too much to ask, right? He gets all pissy and tells me to put it all in our account. I love my husband to death, but sometimes I really just wanna punch his lights out!

Hopefully tomorrow's better!

Day 2...Part 1

Took my first Metformin last night with dinner. A lady I've been emailing back and forth, who went through the same infertility issues, warned me I might have some bowel issues the first day or so. So far, I feel fine...I'm just a little exhausted. She also said I would feel funny the first few days until my body adjusted to it. Last night I felt like I had taken a bunch of nyquil, I was there, but I wasn't. It was really weird.

My doctor called back with my test results from yesterday. My Progesterone is .5 or .05, I forget. And any level below 5 (yes, that's a whole number) is considered to not be ovulating. I was a little alarmed my number was THAT low but she assured me that just because my number is that low it doesn't mean I'm infertile or anything. She told me to continue with the Metformin and see what happens.

Today Troy is on a cleaning kick and insists that I should be too. I have no motivation today. I decided to clean the laundry closet thinking it would be a nice, easy sit down job. That was like the point of no return! When did I let it get that messy? My sinuses are not very happy with me right now and my eyes are watering. We're taking a much needed break so Troy can shower. We ran out of dryer sheets so I thought that would be my excuse to stop cleaning. Silly me! We're just going to buy some more...

Day 1...Part 1

Our appointment went great today! Dr. Sposato was incredible. Looking at my records she said I'm actually right on the line of having PCOS, on some doctors scales I do, on others I don't. So for arguments sake I'm just going to say I have it. We talked about a few things today and then she put me on Metformin. She wanted to try Metformin on it's own first and then if that doesn't work we're going to pair it with Clomid. I have to take Metformin for a month. On day 31 if I haven't had a period I have to take a pregnancy test, if that comes back negative I'll take Provera again to induce my period. On day 5-9 I'll take Clomid. On day 22 I have to get some lab work done and then day 28 I have to go back in for an office visit.

Quite frankly, I'm a little overwhelmed right now, but she wrote it all down and then gave me the name of some fertility books I can check out to help me understand more of what's going on. Tonight with dinner I will take my first Metformin...so today is Day 1.

One more day to our appointment

Today was another bad day...not really infertility-wise...more so work-wise. Everybody called in, everybody was crabby, it just wasn't a good day. A whole bunch of us went out last night and at one point in the night one of the girls says "Courtney, you better enjoy this now because when you have kids you won't be able to get out anymore!" #1 it was totally random, #2 it was stupid in itself because there were two moms out with us last night and #3 I would be a hermit for the rest of my life if it meant I could get pregnant right now. It just amazes me what comes out of peoples mouths.

I've been emailing this girl I met on a message board who went through the same thing as I am right now. She's really been a lot of help. It's nice to have friends who support me through this, but she actually GETS it. She has felt the pain I'm feeling right now, lately she's kind of been my voice of sanity. With my appointment coming up Monday she's been helping me come up with things I need to talk to my doctor about and the past couple days we've been talking about diet. She recommended I try Atkins/South Beach, basically anything low-no carb. Diets like that are supposed to help women with PCOS better than say Weight Watchers or something. It's gotten me feeling pretty positive, and I'm actually excited for next paycheck so I can start my new diet.

What else can they possibly charge me for?

We went to pick up copies of my test results today and the doctors office charged us $25! I realize that's probably a standard procedure but it really irritated me. I paid to see that doctor, I paid to have the tests done, and now I have to pay to see my own records? Next they'll start charging me just to call them! I'm so glad we're done with that doctor, it wasn't just today I was upset about, that was just the topping on the cake. Every time we went I felt like he was too busy for me, his receptionists were always rude, and he would find any excuse to charge me an office visit! I'm really hoping my next doctor is a lot better, I hear really good things about that entire clinic.

When we got home I read over my file and it made me even more angrier. Some the notes the doctor had put in he hadn't even discussed with me. Like after my first visit he had written down a couple things he thought it might be, he had never once talked to me about that and what it might mean or why he was giving me the pills he did. I don't need a doctor to be my best friend, I just need one who I feel cares about me as a patient and can handle me in the fragile and sometimes psychotic state I'm in right now.

I have my good days and I have my bad days...and then I have the days where I don't even want to get out of bed. Today is somewhere in the middle. My melt downs are getting more intense and more frequent. I try to hold it together for Troy but that is becoming harder and harder. I don't like days like today where I'm off work and Troy's sleeping. It gives me too much time to think. I try to get up and clean, or take the dogs for a walk but it's hard to find the motivation. I watched a show the other day about 3 pregnant women who were moridly obese thinking it would give me hope, it just upset me more.

I can feel the tension in the air

Our appointment is Monday and I can tell that for this appointment I'm not the only one that's nervous, I think Troy is too. We're going to our old doctor tomorrow to get our last test results so our new doctor can take a look at them. The last time I had spoken to my old doctor he had wanted me to come in so he could talk to me about taking Clomid (otherwise known as another excuse to charge me an office visit!) so when I called today they looked at my information and said they noticed I hadn't made an appointment yet and asked if I wanted to. I just said I was getting a second opinion and they left it at that.

Troy and I were both off today. Last night we had rented a bunch of movies, thinking it was going to rain today. I woke up this morning to clear skies and looked at the weather to find out it wasn't going to rain at all. We started a movie while we ate breakfast and then took the dogs for a really long walk. We were all pooped by the end! We've been trying to plan ahead for Christmas this year, which isn't working so well, but we decided to go to the mall today to look at a few things. We ran into one of my managers who moved to another store, it was nice to see her today. She was really what kept me sane at work (and I'm not just saying that because she reads my blog...haha!) The rest of the afternoon we stayed on the couch finishing our movies. Troy rented the old Tron and made me watch it...this brought me to the conclusion that my husband is a total nerd! I realize it was ahead of it's time back in the 80's but it was the most ridiculous graphics I've ever seen. I didn't pay much attention to it, but I suppose I'll be seeing the new one next month.

I've been trying to quit smoking since April when we went to Florida...and I few times I've done really good, but somethine always sets me off and I start smoking again. After I made Monday's appointment I decided I would quit by November 1 to be 100% smoke free for two weeks before our appointment. I can't say I've been perfect these 10 days but I can say I feel much better then I have any of the other times. I think it's because now I have a reason to quit smoking (my future family) before I knew I should quit but never really wanted to.

Cheap wine...A poor girls best friend

Just got back from grocery shopping. Now I am relaxing on the couch with a mini bottle of Sutter Home Moscato and Keebler Cheesecake middle cookies...these cookies are so good it's sinful. I spent way too much grocery shopping and Troy will probably kill me but I'm super excited about what I got. We're trying to cook more and not eat out so I got stuff to make Bruschetta, stir fry, and Hy-vee had a coupon for a free Turkey if you bought a certain ham. So not only do we have a whole ham but we also have a 12 pound turkey! I bought some turkey stuffing mix with a turkey bake on the back that sounded really good. This will be the first turkey I've cooked by myself so it should be interesting! I also have some scalloped potatos I didn't use last time that I can put the ham in.

This morning I found two of the cutest shirts for Lexi.

She probably totally hates me, but she had outgrown her sweaters from last year and I didn't want her getting cold this winter! I think Mika (our cat) is very jealous that I didn't get her a shirt too!

 

I also put up our mini Christmas tree. We had a big one, but with the dogs we just don't have room. I think I'll buy a little tree skirt for it and I still have to find a small star to put on top.





When everybody else is in dreamland...I'm blogging

I watched Sex and the City 2 yesterday. Not only was it absolutely fabulous but it also got me thinking...about a few things. A good chunk of the movie focuses on Carrie and Big choosing to not have children, and Carrie wonders if her and Big are enough. It made me wonder if (worst case scenario) Troy and I would be enough. With Troy's sister being adopted, he has made it completely clear that he's open to adoption but I haven't really decided how I feel about it. Would I want to adopt? And I know that if we did I would love that child unconditionally, but would it be enough to fill that void?

The other thing it got me thinking about is ever since I moved up here I haven't felt like I had a close group of friends like I did back home. Even after 3 years I still kind of feel like an outsider, but in all honesty I have an incredibly support group up here. I may not have 3 close friends that I do almost everything with like they do on Sex and the City, but I have a large group of friends I can turn to when I need someone and that made me feel truely blessed.

Feeling much better

Had a major melt down last night and now I'm feeling much better. I think I just needed a good cry, I hold everything in for so long it all kind of comes spewing out every once in awhile. I'm still a little down, but feeling considerably better.

As much as I despise my job, a lot of the people there really help to cheer me up. We have such a close group of people, we're like one big dysfunctional family. Work usually helps to get my mind off of things, except the ungodly amount of baby bumps I see in a day. Then there's the heathens tearing through the store that make me wonder why I want kids so badly. I've learned to laugh most of it off, if I didn't I think I'd go insane.

I have a much needed day off tomorrow, it's also pay day. Troy and I have decided to try and not eat out so I am going to try and cook more. I've been looking for some new and interesting recipes but it's so hard to find something that Troy and I will both like. It's also hard to find something easy enough for me to cook! :)

"I could really use a wish right now..."

It's been awhile since I've been on here...nothing "blogworthy" ever really happens. I'm just a boring old married lady. Our next doctors appointment is in a week and a half and I'm pretty nervous. We just got a bill in the mail from our last round of tests...apparently it wasn't all covered. The bills keep adding up and I feel like we've gotten no where. I switched to Troy's insurance just recently because it's considerably better than Lowe's but it has no infertility coverage so my HR has talked about being double covered for a year. That's even more money out of our pocket right now, but in the long run it might save us money. As if it's not enough we're infertile...now we're practically poor. I might just be having a pity party right now because I'm so overwhelmed, but I am completely miserable right now. Hopefully we can find out something at the doctor finally, I could really use a wish right now.

Trying out my mobile blogging. Made my appointment with Dr. Sposato. Monday November 15th at 2 p.m. Fingers crossed!

So much to process...

I joined this forum for Des Moines moms, they have been so helpful in this whole process. The last couple days I've been talking to this lady who had problems getting pregnant as well, I started talking to her about Mid Iowa and she told me to try the Iowa Health Clinic in Ankeny. I had considered that place before Mid Iowa but had such bad luck at the West Des Moines location I kind of pushed it to the back of my mind. Troy would like this doctor, she's very good looking! Haha. I think I'll call my insurance company again today and find out if she's in my network, pretty soon they're going to know me by name with as much as I've been calling!

Took my Basal temperature for the first time today, it was 97.73. That might mean more to me in a few months. This whole charting thing intimidates me, I never knew getting pregnant could be so hard!

Troy and I are taking the dogs for a walk today. It's good for me to get out...the trail we walk them on is really relaxing and helps me to clear my head.

My very first blog!

I've decided to start a blog, I need a place to store my thoughts and Facebook just isn't cutting it. For my first entry I'll start with the basics.

My husband, Troy and I met in October of 2006. I moved in with him May 2007. We were engaged February 2008 and then got married August 1, 2009. I had baby fever even before we got married, but never expressed this to Troy because...well, somethings are just best kept quiet. In September 2009 we got our first fur baby (Well, I guess our second, I got Troy a cat when we first started dating). We adopted a Brittany mix from the ARL and named her Bailey.  She is such an incredible dog, we love her to death, and for awhile she filled that baby void. Last winter one of Troy's coworkers had puppies and I knew we had to have one! In February of this year we got Lexi, she's a Shitzu mix. I totally adore her. Her and Bailey have brought us many months of pleasure and entertainment.

In May Troy and I decided to start a family. We knew there was a chance of complications. 3 years ago I stopped getting my periods so I went to my family doctor who ran some tests and then sent me to an OB/GYN. The OB/GYN (which I was not pleased with) told me I had PCOS and that all of my problems are because I'm fat and slapped me on Yaz. I later found out that this could have done more damage than good because all it does is mask the problems. In May I started looking around for a new doctor and was told about Dr. Sager so I believe it was in late June that I went to see him. Over the last few months he's run all kinds of hormone, thyroid, and sperm tests and still has not come up with any answers, in fact it's raised more questions! My hormone tests all came back normal so that has led him to believe I don't have PCOS, but he has no clue what's wrong with me. He wanted to run an HSG, which is a dye test to see if my tubes are open. Unfortunately it's not covered by insurance so now we're back to square one. Dr. Sager has been a much better doctor than my first one, he's very informative, but I always feel rushed or like he doesn't have time for me. So I have begun looking for a new doctor and believe I have found one. I'm going to try the Mid Iowa Fertility clinic, Dr Young and Dr. Cooper to see if they are able to help me any more.

I filled my Provera prescribtion today, which is a pill to induce my periods, and then I also bought my very first Basal temperature thermometer (Yay!). Until I can get in to see the doctor I am going to track my body temperatures and hopefully that will help out.