Day 16/17

I find myself incredibly anxious for Friday. It's going to be a busy day. I have to work until 12:30, then my appointment at 1. I'm getting my hair cut at 2 and then right after that Troy and I will go to the Zoo and then Baratta's to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I don't have a good feeling about this cycle. I started looking at the Mid-Iowa Fertility website and found myself completely overwhelmed, almost to the point of crying. It was a lot to take in. Before going to see Dr. Sposato I had looked into Mid-Iowa, but a friend of mine advised me to see Dr. Sposato first. I hadn't looked too seriously at Mid-Iowa until tonight. Not much more to report, still a little down but trying to keep my mind off of it.

Day 15/16

It's been a rough couple days. I only have three more "official" days at head cashier (I say official, because I know there will be days I'll have to fill in. Much to my protest there's already one day they've planned to steal me!). It's like the cashiers are testing my final strings of patience in this last week. Tonight I am physically exhausted from running around like crazy at work, but mentally I'm restless. So here I am, blogging at midnight.

Right around now is when I should be ovulating...I feel nothing. I don't feel any cramping, I don't notice any extra discharge. It really bums me out, I guess I was hoping we'd be successful on our final round. I feel like I only have myself to blame. While I obviously would not be pissed if I got pregnant this month, I briefly mentioned one time to Troy (and only Troy) that a very, very miniscule part of me hoped we didn't get pregnant this time because there's so many fun things to do in Colorado that you can't do if you're pregnant. I know that I can not control my body, but I almost feel like I cursed myself by saying that. Troy thinks the exact opposite, he thinks that because I don't exactly want to get pregnant this time I will. My hopes are not up this time, but I will never tell Troy that. Every cycle he'd ask me what I felt, how I felt...now he's stopped asking, and I've stopped telling him.

Friday I will have my final blood draw, at least while being on Clomid. I probably won't get my results until Monday August 1 because my appointment is in the afternoon this time. If we have to go to the RE I certainly hope their receptionists are nicer than my current doctor. The lady I made this appointment with was a real hag.

Day 8

Tomorrow I will take my last Clomid pills...EVER (and this time I really do mean that!) I think Troy and I will both being doing a little happy dance. I've been kind of a mess tonight, I think the heat is starting to get to me physically and emotionally. I have so many emotions going on right now...I have so much pain running through me, it's causing me to lash out.

Pain because of our infertility- I'm pissed off at the world because my ovaries don't work. I'm still left wondering what I ever did to deserve this, what Troy ever did to deserve this.

Pain because of my grandmother- I worry about her every day...my heart stops when I see I have a missed call, terrified it's going to be my mom. I want nothing more than to be there with her, taking care of her...and I can't figure out why I feel so strongly. We were close when I was young, but the last ten years or so I've really neglected our relationship. Maybe it's guilt from that...or maybe it's just simply because she's my grandmother and I'm trying to put too much thought into it.

Everything causes me to feel so helpless, and as a control freak I can't stand it. I believe that it is literally driving me crazy. I say a little prayer every day thanking God for Troy. I firmly believe I wouldn't be ok without him.

Day 7

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. I'm amazed I'm still married with as bitchy as I've been. And I've had terrible mood swings too...bitchy, then happy, then crying. Thankfully this is our last round of Clomid. And if we don't get pregnant this month we will wait until after vacation to see the RE. I don't want to curse anything, but I have a bad feeling about this cycle. I haven't had any cramping per say, but my left ovary has been a little tender.

I've noticed the longer we face these fertility problems, the more meticulous I become. I don't want to say I'm completely OCD, I don't think I'm terrible, but it is getting bad. Troy doesn't seem worried about it, but it's something I'm keeping in check. It's so easy for me to get down on myself...it's like nothing is going right for me. I had huge dreams for my BeautiControl, right now I'm doing worse than when I started. We can't get pregnant. If I don't get off the front end soon I'm seriously going to blow.

I think Troy should be declared a saint. He's the one getting the worst part of my craziness. He used to get upset with me, but after so long on Clomid he's finally realized it's not something I can totally control...I try, I really do. Hopefully vacation next month will help me to clear my head.

Day 2

Started my period yesterday. I need to call and get my lab work appointment scheduled. I figured it up last night and this month it falls on a Friday so unless the doctor calls that afternoon I will have to wait until the following Monday for results (which just so happens to be our 2 year anniversary!) It's a little surreal to know that this is for sure my last cycle on Clomid, and I also get a Deja Vu feeling...we thought we were done last month! I will start the Clomid on Day 5 and we'll see what happens. I'm not really cramping this month with my period so it's hard to tell which ovary will try and release an egg. I'm hoping it'll be my right side so we at least stand a chance of getting pregnant.

Saturday was super busy for us. We had two weddings, one of which Troy was in. Troy's sister got married and a friend from Prairie Meadows got married as well. Both weddings were beautiful and made me a little warm and fuzzy. It also got me a little depressed though...our friends from Prairie Meadows just seemed so happy and in love. The only time I remember Troy and I being like that is when we first started dating. We haven't even been married for 2 years yet and I already feel like an old married couple. We woke up yesterday at 12:45...we were pooped!

I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous post but last week after I got back from Grandma's we were placed on "red alert." Mom got a call from my uncle saying Grandma had taken a turn for the worse. I've only talked to mom a few times since then but Grandma seems to be hanging in there so far. She's definately a tough old bat! I only hope I can be even HALF the woman she is!

New cycle

I finally remembered to take a PT this morning which came back negative (not a surprise to me). So I took my first Provera pill, I had some faint blood on Sunday so I thought I might start my period on my own but it went away. Once I start my period, I'll start my final-and this time I really do mean final-round of Clomid.

I just found out today I have a sinus infection. I've been stuffed up for about a week and a half and I just assumed it was allergies because I didn't feel sick. Today I finally just got tired of being stuffed up so I went to the doctor. Good thing I did, I guess. Then I went to get my prescription and they couldn't fill it because they had to go to lunch............I was not thrilled.

My mom got a call from my uncle today, Grandma has taken a bad turn. I'm hoping she can hold out for just awhile longer. We have two weddings on Saturday, obviously if Grandma passes away and her funeral was this weekend I'd go, but I'd really like to be at the weddings. I'm so glad I decided to go up this past weekend. I had to much to do, I kept going back and forth. I kept saying "I can just go up the next time I have two days off." I'm glad I didn't wait. Please pray for my Grandma 

Emotional weekend

I decided to go up and see Grandma this weekend. Mom came with me, at first I didn't really think she'd need to come with me but I'm really glad she did. It was great to see Grandma, and I am so happy I went up, but it was a little rough seeing her. Saturday I almost forgot she was sick, she was acting so much like her sassy old self. Yesterday thought she was really sleepy and not so alert. I got a little emotional when we were leaving, I was just looking at her realizing it might be the last time I see her alive. (I say "might" because she's held on so much, and even has plans for this winter! LOL)

I meant to take a pregnancy test this morning, but with everything going on I forgot too. Will have to tomorrow morning and then I can for sure start the Provera...and a new cycle.