Feeling better

Feeling a lot better. I cleaned the grill, the inside of my car, pulled weeds, and drank a few beers. I've had a headache all damn day which is finally starting to go away now! Troy and I grilled BBQ Chicken and corn on the cob. We also had sundaes and watermelon. It was the perfect ending to an otherwise shitty day weekend. I still have a lot weighing on my mind, but trying to enjoy my days off.

Tomorrow night I have another spa. My bookings have kind of slowed down, trying to figure out how to get over this hump. I have a spa on June 23 for a girl who used to work at Lowe's- I'm super excited for this one because not a single one of her guests are from Lowe's. I've been trying to think of ways to "broaden my horizons", I think all my Lowe's girls are getting spa'ed out. Hopefully it goes well.

Happy Memorial Day

Having kind of a lazy day with the puppies today. I do need to clean our grill and then I would like to take Lexi for a walk, we'll see if that happens. A lots been going on lately, I'm really finding it hard to get out of bed some days. My grandma is still not doing well, and now my oldest sister is having health issues. I've been really depressed lately and have been an unbearable bitch at work. I feel a lot of tension between me and Troy lately as well. I'm past the point of knowing what to do and feel completely helpless.

I have 4 Provera left so I'm close to starting a new cycle. I'm not even bothering to get my hopes up on this one, and I've stopped telling everybody whats going on. After the disappointment last cycle, having everybody know (and almost 2 weeks later I'm still having people ask me if I'm pregnant...talk about sticking your finger in the wound), it's just too painful so when someone asks me when my next doctors appointment is, I completely shut down. I know they mean well, but it hurts too much to talk about it. Having them look at me with those sad eyes, wondering when I'm going to crack.

Bad news just keeps coming

With yet another failed cycle, I've been a little down in the dumps lately. I've had two spas since the negative pregnancy test and I have had to literally FORCE myself to get out of the house and do them. I'm so happy once I do, but it's been difficult. I had a great spa this morning, I was so excited about it...then Troy and I went to Hu Hot for my birthday lunch. We had just laid down to take a nap this afternoon when I get a text, and then a call from my mom. I'm always afraid it's going to be bad news when she calls, because usually I'm the one calling her...but usually it's just about one of my Facebook games. Today was a different story. My aunt had called my mom and said they found a bunch of tumors and fluid in my grandmother's brain. The doctors are giving her 2-3 weeks to live. I'd like to say I'm ok...but I'm not. My mom and I might go see her next week, but mom's not even sure she could physically make the trip. Now I'm stuck with all these regrets. The only other person we had a "warning" that they were going to pass away was my cousin. I was devestated when she died, but honestly too young to really understand what I was feeling. Now with the news of my grandma all I can think is "I wish I had gone to see her more" or "I wish I had called her when mom told me too." My grandma was the only grandparent I knew until I was about 14, and she had a huge impact on my childhood. We went and stayed with her every summer. I remember playing in the river with her dog, watching Pink Panther over and over with her, fishing with my aunt and uncle. My grandma Allen was such a tough old lady, I thought she'd out live me! The last time I got to see her was at our wedding, almost two years ago, and I am SO happy she was able to come.

 This is a close up of our "3 generations" picture. My grandma's hand is on the left, my moms hand is on the right. I get teary eyed every time I see this picture.

I love you Grandma Allen...I just hope you know that.

Day 31

Here we are at the end of another cycle. I took a half day today, I'm calling it a "mental health day." I sat in customer service early this morning with tears running down my face, I couldn't stop them. I took a short nap when I got home and I'm feeling slightly better.

I'm trying to bury myself into my BeautiControl. Lately, it's the only thing that's made me happy, and it keeps my mind off things. My clients don't know that I'm having infertility issues, so talking to them brings a little bit of normal back to my life. Had my first spa last night. Not as good of a turn out as we had hoped, but I had great results for who did show up. My next one is Wednesday, I will be doing this one on my own. At first I was a little nervous, but I sat down this afternoon and wrote down the entire process of what we did last night, and then read over it a few times. I'm feeling much better about the whole thing and I'm starting to feel like I can do it alone.

The verdicts in...

Amazingly enough I slept like a friggin baby last night. I woke up at 6:50 AM and really, really had to pee so I got up. I opened the PT box, kissed the test before I took it out of the wrapper. Peed on the stick, set it on the counter, and said a little prayer. God must have been sleeping still because the test was negative. I simply shrugged it off, and went back to sleep. Woke up again about 9:30 and that was when all the emotions hit me. Negative pregnancy test, Sunday is the one year anniversary of my coworker passing away, my birthday's on Monday and Troy just informed me we probably won't be able to go out to dinner for it because we won't have enough money! (We're going to have like $500 after all our bills are paid...and my own husband can't even take me out to dinner on my fucken birthday!) So I've decided if I can make enough at my spa tonight, I'm going to take my favorite girls out for dinner for my birthday!

Hopefully my day gets better...this sucks.

Day 29

Holy poop I can hardly contain myself right now! I've had more excitement today than one girl can take (no, I haven't found out I'm pregnant yet). We got our Colorado vacation booked, it all came together very quickly. I'm SO excited, I've never been to Colorado, the furthest out that way I've been is Rapid City and that was for work. I did buy my pregnancy tests-3 of them-one for tomorrow, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. I'm hoping I won't need all three :) Tomorrow is also my first spa so I'm spending most of tomorrow getting ready for that. We also have to get Troy fitted for his suit for a wedding and get me an oil change.

Tonight I'm by myself, Troy's at poker night. I wish he was here, I don't really want to be alone right now it gives me too much time to think! I really hope I'm pregnant, but the last couple days I've just had this feeling that I'm not. The initial excitement of my progesterone going up has worn off and now I'm starting to feel like it's never going to happen again.

Day 28

Well I didn't have my doctors appointment today, even though I had quite a bit of pain around Day 14 it seems that neither of my ovaries have ruptured so the doctor said she didn't think I needed to come in. On Friday I will take a pregnancy test-if it's negative I'll probably take another one Saturday and another one Sunday :) LOL. If all of those are negative I will call the doctor on Monday and get another month of Clomid and cross everything but my legs hoping next month I get pregnant! Haha

Friday is also my very first spa...I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. It's been a really big help of keeping my mind off the baby stuff.

We're trying to plan our vacation for this summer. Our original plans were to see my sister in Wisconsin. We really had our hearts set on Colorado but because of money decided it could wait. Once we started looking at hotels in Wisconsin, it was going to cost a lot more than we had thought. So we decided to ask Troy's parents if we would be able to use their timeshares. We went over and looked at them tonight and kept going back to Colorado. We'd have to change our days off though and we're not sure if it's going to work or even if the resort will be available, but if it all comes together we're really hoping to go to Colorado!

Was that implantation?...

...Probably just gas....

Knowing my progesterone went up this month and there's a slight chance I could actually be pregnant has really made me paranoid. Every little gas bubble, twinge, or momentary feeling of nausea makes me wonder if I'm actually pregnant. It is truely an odd feeling to not know what's going on in my body right now. This is definately going to be the longest week of my life! I'm trying really hard to not think about it, concentrating on work or BeautiControl.

Lucky number 7?

We got EXCELLENT news from the doctor yesterday. My progesterone went up to a 7!!! That means I most likely ovulated...now for the two week wait. I'm hoping to get a REALLY good birthday present. I've already convinced myself I won't be disappointed if we're not pregnant this time...but it's really crazy to wonder what's going on in my body right now. May 20th I will take a pregnancy test and if it's negative we will do one more month of Clomid and hope for a 7 again or even higher and hopefully get pregnant next month.

I had a dream a week or so ago that I was pregnant with triplets (which I hope only the pregnant part is true!) and then Troy said he's just had a feeling I'm pregnant all week and he's never had that feeling before. Even if we're not pregnant, I am still thrilled we finally got good news. We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and this is the first good news we've had all year.

Thanks again to everybody's thoughts and prayers. You're support means a lot!

Day 17...I think

I had a very productive day today. Had a great coffee "meeting" with my director and a few other BC(I'm going to start abbreviating BeautiControl because it's just too much to type out anymore) girls. It was very informative and a lot of fun. I have another meeting Tuesday. I'm so used to the mean girls in High School that I'm always really nervous to meet new women, I'm always afraid they'll be catty, but then I remember we're all adults now and for the most part accepting of everybody. The girls I met today were really nice.

My mom, sister, and niece are in town for an Assembly so I went to see them tonight. It's always nice to see my family, I do get homesick from time to time. I'm trying to stay busy this weekend, tomorrow's Mothers Day. Mothers Day for an infertile, is kind of like Valentines Day for a single person. While I appreciate all the mothers out there and honestly believe they deserve more than one special day, at the same time...it's depressing. I remember last year I said "This will be my last Mother's day of not being a mother." This year I'm not even bothering to think that. Oh well...happy Mothers Day to all you lucky mothers out there!

Day 15

Today was a pretty shitty day all around. The morning started out with me and Troy fighting...about money...again...I hardly talked to him this morning. He got angry about the Beauti Case I had purchased, you know the one I talked to him about and he told me I could buy because it's what I need to do spas. And now that I've bought it he keeps getting pissed about it every time we start talking about money or bills. He'll say "Well if you hadn't bought that case!" I want to strangle him sometimes, I love having a joint account because it makes it easier to pay bills...but we fight about money SO much more. It's ridiculous.

Then work sucked...I can't really go into detail because it was pretty much all night. And I've felt like I ruptured an ovary all day. I'm just falling apart.

Day 14- I might have ovulated today...what did you do?

A friend at work asked me how I was today...I said "I'm not sure, but I might be ovulating." Even though nothing I say should surprise anyone anymore, I think it threw her off a bit. I was incredibly lubricated today...God that sounds so dirty! Only during infertility could one talk like this and get away with it-sometimes it's pretty awesome. I'm trying really hard to hold back my emotions. I'm excited that something seems to be happening, I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up too much, and I'm still nervous about the RE. Unless I can pull out like a 5 or something this month, it just doesn't seem worth it to me to continue on the Clomid. I only have two months left, and I feel that if I can't get to at least a 5 this month, I'll never get to the 10 they want me to be at. My blood draw is exactly one week away, my least favorite appointment. I never used to mind getting my blood drawn, but having to go in every single month makes me feel like a test subject.

I've been sick since Easter...you know, the not fun kind of sick...I was convinced my in-laws had poisoned me at Easter but if that were the case I should have either died or gotten better by now. Troy thinks it might be the Metformin because it's one of the side effects, but I shouldn't be hit with it almost 3 months into me taking it. I had it for about the first week I was taking the Metformin again, but then I was fine. I'm really not sure what's wrong with me, but I've decided to not see my family doctor about it because I'm afraid they'll tell me to stop taking the Metformin.

ANOTHER pregnancy announcement today...it's becoming a bit ridiculous. If this is God's idea of a joke, it's not funny anymore. I actually managed to not break down this time-by some miracle!

With everything going on, it's been a draining week......to say the least

Day 11...I think

Pretty sure it's day 11...erg...It was a terrible weekend at work, we were SO short today and super busy!! I tried really hard to stay calm, and for the most part our customers were understanding. I think the nice weather has put everybody in a better mood. Thankfully I'm off the next two days and I really have no intent of doing anything! I had a major meltdown last night, but afterwards I was feeling better. Troy and I DTD (we're starting another month of every other day-Just a side note, I used to think I'd be excited about this, but now it's kind of like a chore!) and then I lost it. I haven't felt as lubricated as I should right about now...I mean for poops sake I'm supposed to ovulate in 3 days! (Pretty sure that's not going to happen.) I started crying because I'm afraid we'll never get pregnant, I had someone else tell me today that "God has a plan and it'll all work out when it's meant too." Believe it or not, that's not comforting one friggin bit! Look at all the couples who have to adopt, if God's plan for me is to adopt, I'm not sure I'm ok with that right now. Maybe once we've exhausted all options I will be but right now I'm not. I have a new out look on the RE though, I'm a little excited. Hopefully they can do more for me than my OB. My OB has never once looked at my ovaries. They keep telling me I have PCOS but they've never done an ultrasound to see if I have the "string of cysts." That will be the first order of business for the RE. Please cross all your crossables and keep the prayers coming for this cycle...I'm still hoping for something positive.