The end of another year

Today brings the end of 2011. It's been an incredibly emotional year, both good and bad. We spent almost the entire year trying to get pregnant...and of course we finally succeeded. We had weddings, engagements, funerals. All I can say is I'm so excited for 2012, June can not come soon enough!

I'm beginning to feel more and more pregnant as the days go on. Today I'm having a hard time with tingling in my hand, and it's starting to hurt. I've been looking up "pregnancy carpal tunnel" it says it's more common in the second half of your pregnancy but can come early on. My back and hips are killing me today. I'm starting to get the "round ligament pains" mainly in my groin area. The other night I was pushing on my belly below my belly button and was surprised to feel how hard it is!

Our next appointment is the 12th, and it can't come soon enough! I'm getting very impatient waiting for our ultrasound. I'm thinking I'm going to try scheduling it for February 6th, Troy and I both took that day off because of the Super Bowl on the 5th. It seems like forever, but hopefully it'll go by fast.

Happy New Year! Please...someone drink one for me! Haha

Pictures

"Mom and dad say I'm Santa's favorite" and "My first Christmas"

Cutest little socks I've EVER seen! "My first Christmas" and "Santa's little helper"

Cute burp cloths for the baby to barf on!

"Everyone's thankful for me" (You're damned right we are!) "Daddy's little pumpkin" (This is Troy's favorite, LOL) The baby's pretty much ready for every holiday now except for 4th of July!

I decided the few unisex items I want to do are going to be either ducks or monkey's. Everything else will be for a boy or girl.

The beautiful sun catcher from Aunt Lisa. I think I posted about this earlier, but never posted pictures.

Last Christmas without kids

The last couple of Christmas' were incredibly depressing. I wanted nothing more than to watch our child open their presents, to see the awe in their eyes when they saw what Santa had left for them. There's nothing more amazing then seeing the pure, innocent joy of a kid at Christmas. Also, since I never got to experience the wonder of Christmas as a child, I wanted it even more for my own child. FINALLY this year I was able to completely enjoy Christmas. My nephews were purely comical when they opened their presents.

Not only was this Christmas great, but now I have next Christmas to look forward to. The baby will be 6 months by then...just old enough to be able to enjoy it. (But not old enough to tell mommy and daddy they hate their presents! LOL) We spent Christmas eve with Troy's family and then Christmas day was all for me and Troy. We made a huge breakfast and then took a nap. Then lounged on the couch watching Christmas specials and then the Packers game. 

On Thursday we get a new couch...thank God! I went to Target today and scored some great deals on clearance baby stuff. I'll have to post pictures later, it's all so cute!!

New Furniture

We've been looking for a new couch for awhile. We had planned on using our tax return but I decided I want to tile our bathroom with that money. Homemakers told us about this bank that doesn't go off your credit score to get various items for your home, they go off your income. So we went there today and got approved. I had wanted to get a crib with the loan but we were only able to get the couch today. If all else fails, we'll have the loan paid off by the time we really need a crib so we could apply for another one. The lady at Homemakers told us they had delivery for Saturday open but then when they called after the bank had paid them the delivery was set for Thursday the 29th. A little disappointing, but it's better than NOT having a new couch! I decided it's sad that I'm so excited about a couch. It's technically a love seat, it's a double recliner and has a center console with storage and cup holders. I can hardly wait! (Mainly because then I don't have to try getting my pregnant ass up off this couch...I feel like I'm sitting on the floor.)

Nothing much baby related. I am starting to get a little irritated with people telling me about things that could go wrong...or not according to plan with my pregnancy. It's like they're trying to strike the fear of God into me about certain things. Honestly after all the poking and prodding I've been through just TRYING to get pregnant the only thing that scares me is labor (and when I say scare, I literally mean it scares me to the point of tears.) Now that we're getting closer to being able to find out the sex of the baby everybody has to chime in and say that either their baby wouldn't cooperate or a friend of a friends neighbors second cousin was unable to find out the sex. Maybe this is my pregnancy hormones talking, but quite frankly I don't care! I am fully aware of the mishaps that can happen during pregnancy and will handle them as they come. Until then I really just want to (and deserve to be) excited about FINALLY being pregnant.

Rant over...and if I don't get on before, Merry Christmas to everyone!!

Week 13

Had another appointment today. Nothing really happened. The nurse checked the heartbeat with the doppler and was able to find it this time...hooray! (And she didn't push as hard as she did last time) It was at 166 so still really high, but starting to go down. Everybody's convinced we're having a girl (including me). They think it's because of the heart beat, I think it's because of the crazy dreams I've been having. We're either having a girl, or a gender confused boy. Every dream I have where we have the baby, it's a girl. And then the other night I had a dream that the doctor gave me this in home test thing that had like the nerf dart styrofoam things and you stuck to your belly. The first one I did I stuck to the middle of my belly and it came back a boy, but then I was reading the directions and it said it had to be placed over the ovary that released the egg (weird since most people don't know this...fortunately I do, LOL). So I did that and it came back a girl that time.

I'm also hoping for a girl because Troy and I are about to start the next Civil War over boys names. He told me the other day he likes the name "Raine" for a boy....................(I'll just let that soak in for a minute).......................All I could think was "Really, I'm having a baby with this man?!" I think he's confused because we both like the name "Rayna" for a girl, but we already have a different girls name picked out. My top name for a boy is Parker. I'm still a little on the fence about it, I have a few other names that I also like.

Our next appointment is at week 17, I believe that puts us at January 12...Not 100% sure on the date. Then shortly after that we'll get to find out the sex. At our next appointment we'll be seeing a different doctor, mainly because the one I'm seeing now will be on maternity leave but also because she can do everything but deliver the baby so I was already prepared to see other doctors. Hopefully we like the new one, if not there's another one at the office a friend saw and said she really liked so we might try him also.

Finally feeling human again

(or at least as human as possible when you're pregnant!)

Wednesday I finally started feeling better. That night we went to Legends with a couple friends. I decided to get a steak and steer clear of any greasy cheeseburgers. We ate at about 8:30 and I was perfectly fine, at about 2 AM I woke up feeling bloated. Like I had just eaten a feast 10 minutes ago! I got up and took some Tums and then went to the bathroom. At about 3 AM, the diarrhea came back. I then sat on the bathroom floor crying, praying to throw up. I was miserable! I've never had the nerve to make myself throw up, except when I was going through my eating disorders the only thing I could do was eat a teaspoon of salt to make myself throw up. I've never been able to shove my fingers down my throat. So I sat in the bathroom for about an hour just crying. Of course that upset my stomach even more. I went to work on Thursday, miserable as ever. I decided to make an appointment with the doctor since I'd been sick all week. I took a half day on Thursday and went to the doctor. The nurse was not able to find the heartbeat with the handheld thing. She told me not to freak out, but of course I did. Fortunately, the doctor came in and found it right away. It was in the 160's so I freaked out again but the doctor told me right about now is when the heartbeat should start going down a bit. Basically, she told me not to worry about the baby unless I'm cramping or bleeding. The baby is going to get what it needs from me, so it's going to be me who suffers. She told me to drink gatorade and water and eat anything I could. (Popsicles, applesauce, etc)

We bumped up our appointment on the 21st to the 15th (this Thursday.) I'm not sure if we'll have an ultrasound, hopefully we do though I'm not sure I want to wait until wek

Sicker than sick

It's been a rough start to the week. A coworker was nice enough to share his stomach flu with me (I'm only slightly pissed about it), lucky for him I didn't get it as bad as he did. Sunday night/Monday morning I wake up with insane amounts of diarrhea. I was convinced I was dieing. Then I start worrying about the baby, so of course I had to get online. (It was either that or call Troy in a panic and have him rush me to the E.R) So I started researching and it said the flu can be very harmful to pregnant women (I got slightly more pissed at this point) mainly because your immune system is very low when pregnant so it can be even harder to fight off the bugs. I read on and found out it can only be harmful to the baby if you get dehydrated, so I was a bit relieved. I called in yesterday and ate nothing but a 1/2 loaf of bread all day! I decided to go into work today and after about two hours decided it was a big mistake. I did manage to get everything done and left after 6 hours, and now I'm going to rest all day.

On to baby related news...tomorrow I will be 12 weeks. Hooray! I was reading my weekly baby update that I get via email and decided to peek into next week and found out next week the baby will start peeing! I had a talk with the baby and told it not to pee (or poop) in mommy! Haha Pregnancy related, I'm feeling great. Now if I could just kick this bug I've got.

My pimples have pimples!!

I feel like a bloated teenager with bad acne! Actually, when I was a teenager, I had great skin...hardly ever had acne. So maybe I should say I feel like a bloated pregnant lady with bad acne. About a week ago they all cleared up and I was SO excited...then they all came back and brought friends too!! I'm starting to get more and more not so great side effects. I still haven't thrown up (knock on wood), but I am still nauseous all day every day, in fact I think each day it gets progressively worse as the days go by. Hopefully I'll see some relief from that in 3 weeks or so. My lady parts have started itching really bad, I called the doctor yesterday to make sure I hadn't picked up crabs somehow (remember all that blood they took last week? She said I didn't have crabs and actually everything looked great.) She laughed and said your PH balance changes when your pregnant so it can cause irritation. She told me to keep an eye on it though, sometimes it can turn into a yeast infection.

I wouldn't really consider myself constipated, but I can tell I'm #2-ing a lot less than normal. I'm congested 24/7. In fact the only side that's comfortable for me to sleep on, plugs up one of my nostrils and I feel like I'm suffocating. For the time being, I've been sleeping on my back. I know after awhile I won't have that luxury so I'll have to find a solution.

Baby got it's first present last night. A very pretty sun catcher with a stork and a baby on it. I'll have to get pictures next time I think of it. 11 weeks tomorrow and so far everything's going great!

Happy baby, happy mommy

Or in my case NOT so happy baby, MISERABLE mommy! I had to work an extra long day yesterday (I hate you, Black Friday). I was supposed to work overtime today but I thought my doctor's note said I couldn't work any more than 40 hours a week...turns out it actually said I'm not supposed to work more than 8 hour days...oops! I'm pretty sure my baby has bad work ethic (I'm sure it got it from Troy! Haha). I am miserable today. I was in a world of hurt yesterday, I think I over did it the first part of the day. The last half of the day though I sat and entered orders into the computer. Needless to say, I'm thankful Black Friday is over...at least for one more year.

So much to be thankful for

The title says it all, I have so much to be thankful for this year I don't even know where to begin. First and foremost, of course I am incredibly thankful for the little miracle I have growing in my uterus. I am thankful for modern medicine and ultrasound machines that allow me to hear my babies heart beat. I am thankful for my incredibly amazing husband, I honestly could not have asked for a better man. He's dealt with my ups and downs and has loved me unconditionally through it all. I am thankful for my friends and family who have also dealt with my ups and downs and even though not all of them understood what I was going through, have proven to be an INCREDIBLE support team (I could not have done this without all of you!) I am thankful for my strong, kick ass sister who fought cancer and won...and my coworker who is also battling cancer (she's been through more this year than any person should be and continues to fight.) And finally, I'm thankful for my Grandma. We lost her this year, and I still miss her like crazy, but I am thankful for all that she taught me.

I could go on and on, but I'm starting to get a little emotional, and I don't want Troy to make fun of me! :) In conclusion, thanks again to everyone for all your love and support this year. I am truly blessed.

You know you're pregnant, when...

...you're up at 3 AM eatting! I woke up starving, like I hadn't eatten in weeks. And now I'm really not tired so I'll post about our appointment. We went back to Dr. Sposato yesterday (YAY!) First thing I had to do was give a urine sample (thank God I'm pregnant and can pretty much pee on demand). They said any appointment where I don't have an ultrasound done I will have to give a sample, so at least now I'm prepared. The nurse was able to find the baby's heartbeat with the little handheld machine they have, it was hard to find at first and she kept losing it, but she did finally get it long enough to record how fast it was. It was up to 180. (Honestly, hearing that little heartbeat never gets old!) The doctor said it was great they were able to find it because sometimes it's not detected with that machine until 12 weeks! She said at this point 94% of pregnancies go full term. It was reassuring to hear how much of a fighting chance my baby has now, Dr. Young was always very vague when I would ask how good/bad our chances were.

They also did a pelvic exam and a PAP. I was a little embarrassed I didn't shave, fortunately it had been less than a week since I shaved so it really wasn't too bad. The doctor warned me I would probably spot a little because your cervix has more blood flow to it so it's a lot more sensitive. It's a good thing she warned me of that because I've been spotting all day!

It's just SO great to be back at Iowa health. Now that I'm pregnant I won't always see Dr. Sposato (she's not actually a doctor but she's higher than a regular nurse. Pretty much she can do everything but deliver the baby). Since she doesn't deliver the babies, they want to introduce me to the doctors who might be there. She said I could see as many or as few of them as I want. They gave me a binder of information which I skimmed over. It all seems to be very helpful, especially the list of medications I can take! (Another thing Dr. Young was very vague about.)

We're spending today getting ready for Thanksgiving. I have pies to make, then we have to go over to my in laws to help get the turkey started. And at some point in the day I'm hoping to get Christmas decorations up. Oh yeah, our next appointment is December 21, so we get a short break. It's about the only one we're going to get! Dr. Sposato said in the first trimester they like to see you once a month (so much for THAT!), in the second trimester it's every two weeks, and in the third it's every week. I might as well set up a cot at the doctors office.

Poor Bailey

We've had some problems with Bailey barking when we go to bed. Usually about 5-10 minutes and she's done though. We also noticed she started barking when we would leave to go somewhere (except in the mornings for work, for some reason.) But we assumed she would stop. I was backing out of the garage today and noticed a not on our garage entry door. It said "Not trying to be rude but your dog barks all the time when you're gone disrupting my evening. Could you find a solution, please." I know exactly who did, he's a member of the board. And he's actually been a pretty good neighbor, when we went to Florida we even gave him our phone numbers in case Bailey did bark alot. So we really can't be offended by the note, and I'm not. I'm just upset. Troy came and got me for lunch so we could talk about what we're going to do. We talked about giving her away, but technically since we got her at the ARL we're supposed to take her back there...NOT something I want to do. So then we talk about a shock collar. Typically I'm against them, but I think it's just because I hear about people abusing them and using them incorrectly. So I bought one...we just put it on her, except for today I only plan to use it when she's in her kennel but today I want to test it out. I took her potty, she barked at a dog across the street and then immediately shut up and sat down right by me. She didn't whimper or yelp, so I know it's not hurting her. Right now she's sitting on the couch pouting, I think she's mad at us. :(

Adios Mid Iowa Fertility!

Had our 9 week appointment today. I must admit, I was still very nervous they'd tell us something was wrong. Everything looked great though, we have a perfect, healthy baby. It's SO much bigger, and the nurse said it's going to start growing even faster now. It's starting to look more and more like a baby. We were even able to see it's tiny little finger buds but she wasn't able to capture it in the picture. She said it was in there moving like crazy, but I really couldn't see it. All that matters is it's healthy! We have an appointment with Dr. Sposato on Tuesday. No ultrasound then...I guess I'm not real sure what they're going to do, maybe bloodwork or something. Anyway, here's our little one! In this picture, the head is facing down.

9 weeks tomorrow

Another week down...almost. In latest news, I have not vomited yet but I am nauseous all day! What I love is people trying to tell me what they think I'm having based on my symptoms. I know alot of people who had no morning sickness with a girl...and then my sister-in-law was sick all day every day with her youngest boy. I think the old wives tales are interesting, but I don't believe there's any real fact to them. There's a 50% chance they're going to be right, so obviously it's going to be true for some people.

This whole pregnancy I've done everything I said I'd never do. I told people I was pregnant before I had planned, and this weekend I started a registry! Nothing major...mostly shampoos and soaps. I wish we could find out right away what we're having. I've never been good with surprises.

Thursday is our ultrasound. Hopefully the last time I'll have to go to Mid-Iowa Fertility.

I came, I saw, I conquered

I have officially conquered a department that used to render me helpless. I used to avoid the baby department like the plague. The past month, Troy can hardly keep me out of it! Every time we go to Target, I insist on going into the baby aisles and "Ohh" and "Aww" over everything. Tonight, I bought a few things for a friends shower. At first I was a little worried I'd come out with the entire department, for her AND myself, but I did very well. I can't wait to start shopping for my little one. In exactly a week I have my last ultrasound with Dr. Young and then on the 22nd I get to go back to Sposato...Hooray!!

8 weeks (Almost)

Tomorrow (or Wednesday according to my doctor) I will be 8 weeks. I can't even believe it! These last 4 weeks have flown by...I hope the next 4 weeks will fly by as well. This morning I woke up really dizzy. Went to the doctor, said it was an ear infection with fluid in one of my ears. He thinks it was worse this morning because I laid on that side last night. There really wasn't anything he could do for me except tell me to lay on the other side and hope it drains. The doctor also told me I have GOT to calm down or my babies going to come out with gray hair! LOL (A humorous way of telling me I'm a spaz) Tonight I seem to be better. My stomach's been upset all day though. Still no vomiting though.

I felt like I was starting to get at least some of my energy back...today I have been completely exhausted!! Only 10 more days until my next ultrasound, I'm so excited.

It's official

We finally announced on Facebook that we're pregnant...so it must be official, right? Haha. It was a little sooner than I had wanted to, but at work yesterday someone let it slip and then someone else over heard the conversation and it just turned into a whole big mess. My thinking is I'd rather have everyone hear it from me and Troy than from word of mouth ("Did you hear Courtney's pregnant?!"). I had wanted to wait until my appointment on the 17th, but I guess this will have to do. Surprisingly, a lot of people said they already had an idea that I was.

I had a talk with the jelly bean last night...I told it that it was a celebrity now so it had no choice but to stick around! I almost had a nervous breakdown yesterday because I was so afraid that by announcing our pregnancy, I was jinxing it or something.

7 week ultrasound

My baby's first appearance! The ultrasound went great, the nurse and doctor said everything looked exactly like it should. The top picture is when they measured the baby. Came in at an amazing .803 cm which puts me at 6 weeks 6 days, right around where I thought I was. The middle one is just a regular picture without all the lines. The last one is the magical one. We got to see and hear the heartbeat, I cried a little. She pointed to the heartbeat, it was just a tiny flicker on the screen...but it was beautiful. And then we got to hear it, and that's when I lost it. It was the most amazing thing I've ever heard. The rises and peaks at the bottom of the picture is the heartbeat pattern. The heartbeat is 137 beats per minute, which is exactly where we want to be. In fact, if what I read online is true, it's actually alittle faster. The baby website I joined said that between weeks 6-7 the heartbeat should be between 90-110. I told Troy it's already trending to be a girl! LOL

We have another ultrasound on the 17th and as long as everything checks out they will release me to my regular OB...so excited! I'm not getting my hopes up quite yet, but the nurse did say once a strong heartbeat is detected the chance of miscarriage drops dramatically. Hang in there my little jelly bean! You own my heart already.

Ultrasound tomorrow!

Today I was starting to regret moving my ultrasound to tomorrow, but I know it's better I do it then instead of today on lunch. I keep having a dream that I get to my appointment and find out that I'm not pregnant and that I had never come in for the blood draws...like it was all a dream! I've calmed myself down a lot over the past couple days, I know it's better for myself and the baby. I just keep telling myself if something was wrong, I'd know.

A normal woman would be thrilled she didn't have morning sickness yet...me, not so much! It freaks me out, there's times where I don't even feel pregnant. Although I have started to feel a little more pukey. I got up in the middle of the night last night to pee and when I got back to bed I felt like I had butterflies in my stomach and then this huge burp came from deep in my belly. (I know, I'm so attractive! haha)

Hopefully I'll be able to post a picture of my little jelly bean tomorrow. I told Troy I refuse to call the baby my little "bean" because it reminds me of farts...or the chilli beans that make me throw up. So I decided jelly beans are much more pleasant!

Nothing's changed

I really shouldn't complain, but being pregnant it makes me feel even worse than before. Most of you may know, my husband has a TERRIBLE sex drive. Before we were trying to get pregnant, I practically had to beg for it. I was incredibly proud of him while we were trying to get pregnant though, he really put forth an effort to do what we were supposed to do. Now that we're pregnant, I'm back to having to beg for it. If it were up to Troy, we'd have sex once a month...if that! Being pregnant now, it makes me feel even uglier than before...feeling like my husband doesn't want me. I don't even want to think about how terrible I'll start feeling once I'm 700 pounds and feel like my husband doesn't find me sexy.

Less than a week until our ultrasound. Yesterday I kind of felt like I wasn't even pregnant anymore. And of course the night before I had a VERY real dream that we had lost the baby...so real that I woke up crying and checking my phone to make sure I hadn't actually text someone the bad news. I think the baby knew I was upset, I started cramping last night. Not a lot...just enough to remind me there is still something hanging out in my uterus.

6 Weeks

Today I am 6 weeks...half way through my first trimester! Still feeling pretty good. I did move my ultrasound to the 1st, I didn't feel like juggling an appointment during my lunch break, food is much more important. I moved it to the 1st because I'm off that day. Of course I will let everyone know how it goes, and hopefully post a picture of our tiny little bean.

Reflection

I spent some time looking back and some old posts...I had a real shitty year! Considering where I'm at right now though, I think it was all worth it. I never considered myself superstitious, until now. I've been browsing baby stuff online and today even considered starting a baby registry (Just generic stuff until we find out the sex), but I am completely and utterly terrified that it would jinx this pregnancy. So for now I'll just browse, in January I'll start a registry. I've also been looking at the Maternity ward for Methodist hospital. The Methodist ward is going to be under construction when I would be in there, and while it will be completely functional I worry about noise or inconvenience. So I'm considering Iowa Lutheran, they're rooms look really nice. I know, I know I'm totally getting ahead of myself, but sometimes I can't help it.

Tuesday I'll be 6 weeks...YAY!

5 weeks

Tomorrow starts a new week...5 weeks down, only 7 more to go until I can rest a little easier. Still feeling pretty good. I'm wearing my bra as little as possible (Ok, I admit it, I did this before I was pregnant. Now I have an excuse!) My boobs don't really hurt too bad yet, but my nipples feel like they're on fire sometimes! Slight nausea this morning, and my nose is definately more sensitive. I'm being almost neurotically careful, washing my hands like crazy, using hand sanitizer, trying not to lift too much. I've also found that I've become more superstitious. Every night before bed I say "Dear God, please let me be pregnant tomorrow and thank you for this blessing." In fact, one night I forgot and I woke up at 2 A.M crying. I'm hoping my craziness goes away after the first trimester. My only craving right now? I would kill for a Diet Coke or Iced Tea!

Anxiously awaiting our appointment on the 30th, praying everything goes ok.

Update

Monday morning was like any other morning. I woke up at 5 AM, I had to work at 6. I dug out my little pregnacy test, kissed it and said a prayer. It felt like I sat there for an hour waiting for the results, but right there it was "PREGNANT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I had pants on at the time, I'd have crapped them. I really couldn't even think of what to do next, this had never happened to me. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I dropped to the floor and bawled uncontrollably. Over the next 45 minutes, I checked that test 9 million times to make sure it didn't say "Ha ha, just kidding." It still said pregnant.

I wanted to scream it from the roof tops but knew I needed to be cautious. I called the doctor at 8 and made an appointment for a blood draw at 11 that day. They were checking my HCG levels (pregnancy hormones) and it came back a 60. The doctor said it was on the low end of normal, but still ok and we made an appointment for today to make sure it went up. We slowly started telling a select few. Our thinking is, our closest friends and family are going to know if we miscarry, they might as well know we're pregnant. My HCG today was 146. The nurse laughed a little bit because when she called and told me I knew we were shooting for 120, the doctor wanted it to double in 48 hours. So I asked if it was ok that it had more than doubled. She laughed and said that was exactly what they want.

I have my first ultrasound on the 31st but might move it to the 1st, I haven't decided yet. Of course I will keep everybody posted, the only thing I ask is that my Facebook friends not post anything on Facebook. We are keeping it from the general public until about 10-12 weeks. Which also reminds me, I'm 4 weeks as of yesterday. No morning sickness, some mild nausea and cramping. No blood or spotting. I am slightly more tired than normal, but otherwise I feel great. Thanks to everybody for your prayers and support through all of this. Please continue to pray for a long, healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby!

FINALLY!

Finally heard back. My progesterone was at 11 (Hallelujah!!) I'm trying to stay positive, yet cautious. This is certainly good news, but not a guarantee of pregnancy. I am trying to keep these results fairly private, I'm not announcing it to the world. All I can think about is the disappointment of the negative pregnancy result when we got the 7.

The nurse told me I have to use the OPK's now, basically days 12-15. If I don't get a positive surge by day 15 I will have to go in for an ultrasound. Otherwise I really won't have to go to the doctor anymore, I'm kind of on my own. I'm a little happy about that, I didn't want to drive to West Des Moines in the winter! I'm hoping we can continue with the good results...actually, I'm hoping we're pregnant this time around.

Cross your fingers

How long must I wait?

Still no call...I have to admit it's upsetting. But tonight I have much more than my test results on my mind. I feel like people are watching me, waiting for me to crack-and I can say I have officially reached my breaking point.

When I first began this journey, another girl who went through infertility told me to keep it as private as I possibly could because fertile people make hurtful comments without even realizing it. Back then, I thought that was the stupidest advice anyone had ever given me...looking back I wish I'd have taken it! I used to be able to smile when someone would make a stupid comment, now it's like being stabbed right in the heart. A guy in my office just had a baby. Of course I'm happy for them they will make GREAT parents, but it's still upsetting. The icing on the cake was when they brought him in and one of my closest friends at work looks at me and says "Get busy!" Oh right, because having an entire pharmacy in my purse, having a tube shoved into my cervix, getting up at 5 AM every freakin morning to take my temperature, or having timed sex every other day is slacking off. Or just tonight, another friend offered to make a "prego sandwich" with me in the middle...seriously, I don't even have anything to say to that. Or here's a classic, "Have you tried drinking the water?" No, but right now I'd like to drown myself in it!! Maybe I'm just bitter. I tell my friends what's going on because I want their support...not their asinine comments.

I could really use a miracle.

Dear God,
     If you're listening right now, I have officially had more than I can handle. If you could just arrange a meeting with my egg and Troy's sperm, maybe they could have a date in my uterus. Really, that's all I'm asking for.

Sincerely,
Courtney

Day 22

Playing the waiting game today. That's one thing I always liked about Sposato, she always got my results back quickly. Got our first bill from the new doctor. It was a denied office visit from Troy's insurance, so it still has to be submitted to my insurance. Just an office visit...actually I should say, just a CONSULTATION was $247! I should only have to pay $35 of that, but we have to wait until it's submitted to my insurance first. The bill that I'm not excited about is for the HSG. My insurance only pays one part of the test. One part is $350 the other is $140. I'm hoping we'll only have to pay the $140, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I woke up in a pretty good mood, even though I had a dentist appointment this morning (my teeth and gums STILL hurt!) but my mood has slowly diminished over each passing hour. I even have a bottle of wine waiting for me in case of bad news (I didn't ovulate this month), but if I don't get a call I might have to have a small glass just to calm down!

I've been a little down all week, and last night just made it worse. Troy drools over Carrie Underwood all the time, fine whatever...I'd do sick and disgusting things to Ryan Reynolds. But last night Troy says "Man is she sexy!" when 'Before he cheats' came on the TV. He even had that creepy Chester the Mollestor tone to his voice. I don't get dressed up too often, but when I do it'd be nice to hear "Man honey, you look great!" He didn't even notice my hair when I got it highlighted. I've gained the 10 pounds back that I had lost so I'm really just feeling fat and ugly and could really use my husbands encouragement that he still finds me attractive. Maybe I'm just over reacting, but it really hurt. I'm constantly telling Troy how handsome he is when he gets dressed up or gets a hair cut. And in my eyes, he really is the sexiest man alive.

Day 20

Tomorrow is judgement day! I'm getting my blood drawn for yet another Progesterone draw. My appointment is late in the afternoon, so I probably won't have results until Tuesday. I'm nervous, as this is my first month on Femara...I feel like the stakes are really high! I feel like I've ovulated, but the not knowing is killing me. I think I'll have to cave in and get the OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) next month, even if it is a little depressing. I've been protesting the OPK because obviously I never ovulated on the Clomid, so it was kind of like getting a negative pregnancy test every day! My ovaries have definately been cramping this month.

Day 14

Had our ultrasound today. I had hoped to talk to the doctor today, but I only saw the nurse. She said I have a really good looking follicle on the right side and smaller ones on the left, which she said was normal. We'll wait until next week when we do the progesterone draw but the nurse was pretty sure I'm going to ovulate this cycle. I am cautiously optimistic...I wish we had done ultrasounds with the Clomid so that I had something to compare it too, maybe then I'd be happier

I survived!

Happy to report I survived the HSG. I was really nervous, even on the verge of vomiting. Everything is really a blur to me. We had to wait awhile for the doctor but then they took us back into a room (fotunately Troy was able to be with me.) I laid down on an x-ray table and it was exactly like a yearly exam, except with an x-ray above me and about 3 more people in the room! They told me to lay back and the last thing I remember seeing is Troy's face through the window. I had to smile, all I could think was "Great, Troy's got a front row seat to everything!" Later he told me he really couldn't see anything. I laid back and the doctor told me to relax my legs, as he inserted the speculum. Then he said I'd feel a little pinch as he inserted the other thing into my cervix. I certainly felt a pinch! There was no major pain, it was just incredibly uncomfortable. I had expected him to say "Ok, we're insertig the dye now" but he never did. They had some technical difficulties and just as I was about to tell them I couldn't take the cramping anymore, I felt a huge relief and the doctor says "Ok, we're done!" I got up and he showed me on the screen, I personally had no idea what I was looking at other than my ovaries and uterus,but he said everything was normal.

When we got into the car, Troy told me what it looked like for him. He could see the thing they inserted into my cervix, he could see the dye flowing through. He said it looked like my left tube was blocked because the dye seperated once it got past my uterus and on one side it kept going, on the other side it seemed to stop. That was what I figured would happen since I've had lower Progesterone levels when I cramp on the left side, but the doctor said it was all normal, so I'm going to trust him over Troy. I have an ultrasound Monday so hopefully I can talk to him a little bit more. This test we had hoped would give us some answers, has only created more questions!

The big day

I'm having my HSG done in two hours, I am ready to crap my pants! I've been reading online about it, some websites make it seem like a day filled with puppies and unicorns...other websites make it sound like dooms day! I realize it's going to be unpleasant, but I'm hoping it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be. The doctor told me to take Ibuprofen an hour before, I'm thinking more like a couple shots of alcohol.

At least I have Glee to look forward to tonight! I love premiere week!! I'll post later today to let everyone know I survived.

Day 5 and 6

Aunt Flo has come and gone for yet another cycle. I must say right now I have mixed emotions. I feel as if the world hasn't given me permission to grieve, or be upset. I feel like they are looking at me waiting for me to crack, and I have to prove them wrong by being strong. Sometimes I wish I could just break down, let it all out. We had a girls night, and I was hoping it would be my chance to "let it out" but it ended up being a night of babysitting someone else. Almost the entire night was a total buzz kill. Now I'm just left with a headache.

Tuesdays the big day...holy shit...

Right now I'm tired though so I'm going to take a shower to wash away the shame and then I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams!

Day 4

It's been awhile since having to track days, but here we are again. The second day of my first round of Femara, and I'm feeling pretty good. This is also one day closer to my HSG, which I am not excited about. I would really like it if they would just knock me out for it...or allow me to be drunk! Hopefully they'll let Troy in the room to hold my hand and calm me down.

The last three days have been crazy. It was great to see family I haven't seen in a long time, and this was the first time Troy met most of my mom's side of the family. Fortunately for him, they were fairly mellow! Grandma looked beautiful and her funeral was very sad, but also very much "grandma." I believe it was exactly what she would have wanted.

When we left today we filled up at Caseys and as I'm paying I see Pink Panther scratch tickets (Pink Panther was my grandma's favorite cartoon.) I could just kick myself for not buying a couple, maybe Grandma was looking out for me and I could have been a millionaire! LOL

Day 1

That's right...Day 1...the start of another glorious cycle. AF showed up late morning. I have to make my appointments tomorrow. Tuesday the 20th is the big day for the dye test though. I won't lie, I'm slightly terrified, but I'll make it through.

We leave tomorrow for NorthEast Iowa. Troy's complaining about the 3 hour drive already, I told him to suck it up. We just did 12 hours a couple weeks ago! I'm excited to see some family that I haven't seen in awhile, I just wish it were under better circumstances.

At a loss for words

I got the call this morning-Grandma passed away. I was at work, and had been in the back getting a couple installers ready to go. I came back up front to print tickets for them and glanced at my phone. I had two missed calls from my sister and a voicemail that just said to call her. My heart dropped to my feet. I had to get the installers signed out before I called her back, which was the longest ten minutes of my life. I was shakey and wanted to throw up. My sister hadn't said that was why she was calling, but I just knew.

I had thought I'd be ok. We'd been prepared for this for two months now...but are you ever really prepared for such a great loss? I've been a mess pretty much all day, fortunately I have Troy to keep me sane. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and prayers.

Rest in Peace Grandma Allen...I'm certainly going to miss you!

Starting to feel better

"I don't know why bad things happen...but I have to believe something good is going to come from this." -Soul Surfer

I've been in a real funk the last few days. I watched Soul Surfer today and thought it would just depress me even more. It has actually inspired me. While I haven't lost a limb, I can relate to her struggles. I believe anyone who's faced any kind of hardship can relate. She goes through part of the movie angry, wondering how this could possibly be part of God's plan. I know when people tell me "You'll get pregnant when God intends for you to get pregnant, I wanted to punch them. (Quite frankly, I still do) But I sort of understand now. Every time I feel like giving up, which is becoming much more frequent, I have to remember something good is going to come from this. Whether it be me giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby...or adopting a beautiful, healthy baby...all my struggles will be worth it in the end.

Not sure what's wrong

It could just be hormones, although Provera's never done this to me and I can't blame it on the Clomid anymore. I seem to have landed in a very dark place and I'm not entirely sure how to get out. I guess I'm really just fed up with a bunch of things, and it's all piled up and is now exploding out.

I took my last Provera today so in at least a week (if not sooner) I'll start my period, and with that brings a new cycle, and with any luck new found hope. I'm trying to be positive, but knowing that the HSG is coming up soon scares the crap out of me.

Doctors Appointment

The doctor went pretty well. The nurse brought us back to a room and did the usual vital stats and everything. Then said the doctor would probably come pull us into his office because that's where he likes to do his consultations. Immediately, my heart dropped. I had prepared myself for not having anything done today, but it's hard to hear "consultation." To my surprise though, we've been started on a course of action! The consultation went great, Dr. Young is VERY nice! He was very short and to the point, but informative. He hadn't gotten my records from Dr. Sposato, so we had to go to Ankeny after that and sign a release form. Anyway, Dr. Young asked me a bunch of questions and then asked Troy a bunch of questions. And then we went over some options. I am relieved to say, there's 3 options before we even get to the IUI and IVF stage. The three options he gave us were:

1) An injectable, 90% of women actually ovulate from this...I forget the pregnancy percentage. There's also a very high risk of multiple babies. (I should mention, this is actually the first option he named off so I assumed it was the first course of action...I about fainted! I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to have to give myself a shot.)

2) Ovarian drilling...an outpatient SURGERY (also ready to faint at this point) where they basically poke holes in my ovaries to induce ovulation.

3) Femara...a fertility pill much like Clomid. I've mentioned this in my previous posts but never really knew a whole lot about it. I did know it had much lower side effects, like I wouldn't be bitchy on it. I found out that Clomid induces ovulation by targeting a place in the brain. Femara induces ovulation by targeting your ovaries directly. He gave me the success rate of this compared to Clomid, but I forget.

With all those being mentioned, this is what Troy and I will be doing.
-I start Provera tomorrow to induce my period. I will take the pill for 7 days, and he said it could take up to 7 days after my last pill to start my period.
-On days 3-7 I will take the Femara
-One day between days 6-14 I will have an HSG (The name is too long for me to spell out). They will insert dye into my uterus, this is to check that my fallopian tubes are open, it can also check for other problems within the uterus. (This is something the doctor before Sposato had wanted to do, but we put off doing because my insurance only covers part of the procedure.)
-On day 14 I will have to have a vaginal ultrasound to see how my ovaries are looking
-On day 21 I'll have a progesterone blood draw.

It is definitely a lot more involved than my Clomid cycles, and I'm not excited about having to drive to West Des Moines (especially in the winter time), but it's what we've got to do. One of my managers had also mentioned his wife went to a chiropractor right by the fertility clinic and after a few months of going there they got pregnant (they also had fertility issues.) So I'm thinking about maybe trying to make a couple chiropractor appointments the same day as my fertility appointments and kill two birds with one stone. I must say I was very nervous for this appointment, but it went incredibly well. Now I'm exhausted!

Tomorrow's the big day

Well tomorrow's our appointment. I am scarred...to...death, if I may be completely honest. I'm sure that tomorrow will be nothing more than a consultation, but I'm hoping since we aren't starting from square one we can start on a new treatment right away. I am not getting my hopes up for anything though. Tonight we're going to see "My idiot brother" I think I could use a good comedy.

Works been going pretty good since I got back from vacation. A little bit of drama and irritation, but nothing compared to the front end! I really enjoy being in Installed Sales. I like the people I work with (customer and employee), I love the hours, I love everything about it. I no longer dread going to work.

Vacation

Today was our first day back to the real world. I was able to take a half day though! Vacation was great...AMAZING. Colorado is gorgeous.

 This is the view we had from our balcony all week. It was so serene. Every morning I woke up earlier than Troy just to make a pot of coffee and sit out on the balcony and read. I probably would have spent my entire vacation on the balcony!

We also went to the Hot springs

We hiked a trail to the overlook of this waterfall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only 3 days to vacation

The subject says it all...only 3 days to vacation. (And only 2 of those are working days) I have tomorrow off and Troy and I plan to go to the fair, my butt hole husband was on vacation officially at 10 this morning. Then Friday and Saturday should go by pretty fast.

I don't have much to update, if anything at all. I haven't taken more than my Metformin in three weeks and haven't had a doctors appointment in two weeks. I don't have to track my days or my cervical fluid. It's kind of a sigh of relief, but I must admit it's all in the back of my head. I'm hoping Colorado will give us a chance to refresh and regroup to prepare for the next round of tests, needle pokes, and pills.

I probably won't update again until after vacation, so I hope everybody has a good week and gets a chance to enjoy the fair (if you haven't already!)

In a funk...and not the good kind

With just over a week before vacation, you'd think I'd be happier than I am right now. I'm beyond tired of stressing out about money, and arguing with Troy. We haven't had the major spats like we used to, but all these little tiff's are taking more out of me! Today I had my oil changed and they informed me my battery is testing less than half where it should. I told him not to replace it, but then got to thinking I probably should. I was literally trembling when I picked up the phone to tell Troy. He doesn't handle stress well (worse than your average person) and he tends to just shut down when he's pissed off. He definately shut down today. I told him maybe we shouldn't go to the fair this year and use that money to get me a battery. He says (like I'm a total idiot) "We already have our tickets honey!" I told him we could give them back to his parents and SOMEBODY would get use out of them. Then he just says "Whatever, it's up to you." So now I have this giant weight on my shoulders with no friggin' clue what to do!!

I'm also feeling the pressure knowing that our appointment is coming up soon. I'm nervous, but hopeful.

Yet another dissappointment

Heard from the doctor yesterday. My progesterone was at .5 this month. They made me an appointment at Mid-Iowa Fertility for September 1. I made sure to mention Troy and I want to wait until after vacation, give us some time to clear our heads and regroup. The doctor thought that was a great idea and wished us well. I had looked into Mid-Iowa before going to Dr. Sposato, so I knew kind of what they're all about. Looking at their website again I am scared shitless. I can't deny it anymore, I...am...scared. I know we have more steps to take before it gets to insemination or IVF, but I'm afraid that it will come to that. Troy and I are definately open to IVF, but we have kind of decided right now if it ever comes to that we'd probably just end up adopting. It costs so much, and isn't even guaranteed. (Plus, I could never give myself shots...and Troy couldn't do it either)

I had a major melt down last night, so bad it made me sick to my stomach. Troy of course has been great to me. I don't think I'll ever know exactly what's going on in that head of his, but he seems to be holding it together pretty well.

We celebrated our two year anniversary yesterday. Friday we went to Baratta's for dinner (they are the ones who catered our wedding, and are absolutely wonderful!) Troy let me get a purse that I've been eye balling forever, and he's going to get a new pair of shoes. Not the most exciting anniversary, but considering we're going to Colorado in 3 weeks I really can't complain!

Day 16/17

I find myself incredibly anxious for Friday. It's going to be a busy day. I have to work until 12:30, then my appointment at 1. I'm getting my hair cut at 2 and then right after that Troy and I will go to the Zoo and then Baratta's to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I don't have a good feeling about this cycle. I started looking at the Mid-Iowa Fertility website and found myself completely overwhelmed, almost to the point of crying. It was a lot to take in. Before going to see Dr. Sposato I had looked into Mid-Iowa, but a friend of mine advised me to see Dr. Sposato first. I hadn't looked too seriously at Mid-Iowa until tonight. Not much more to report, still a little down but trying to keep my mind off of it.

Day 15/16

It's been a rough couple days. I only have three more "official" days at head cashier (I say official, because I know there will be days I'll have to fill in. Much to my protest there's already one day they've planned to steal me!). It's like the cashiers are testing my final strings of patience in this last week. Tonight I am physically exhausted from running around like crazy at work, but mentally I'm restless. So here I am, blogging at midnight.

Right around now is when I should be ovulating...I feel nothing. I don't feel any cramping, I don't notice any extra discharge. It really bums me out, I guess I was hoping we'd be successful on our final round. I feel like I only have myself to blame. While I obviously would not be pissed if I got pregnant this month, I briefly mentioned one time to Troy (and only Troy) that a very, very miniscule part of me hoped we didn't get pregnant this time because there's so many fun things to do in Colorado that you can't do if you're pregnant. I know that I can not control my body, but I almost feel like I cursed myself by saying that. Troy thinks the exact opposite, he thinks that because I don't exactly want to get pregnant this time I will. My hopes are not up this time, but I will never tell Troy that. Every cycle he'd ask me what I felt, how I felt...now he's stopped asking, and I've stopped telling him.

Friday I will have my final blood draw, at least while being on Clomid. I probably won't get my results until Monday August 1 because my appointment is in the afternoon this time. If we have to go to the RE I certainly hope their receptionists are nicer than my current doctor. The lady I made this appointment with was a real hag.

Day 8

Tomorrow I will take my last Clomid pills...EVER (and this time I really do mean that!) I think Troy and I will both being doing a little happy dance. I've been kind of a mess tonight, I think the heat is starting to get to me physically and emotionally. I have so many emotions going on right now...I have so much pain running through me, it's causing me to lash out.

Pain because of our infertility- I'm pissed off at the world because my ovaries don't work. I'm still left wondering what I ever did to deserve this, what Troy ever did to deserve this.

Pain because of my grandmother- I worry about her every day...my heart stops when I see I have a missed call, terrified it's going to be my mom. I want nothing more than to be there with her, taking care of her...and I can't figure out why I feel so strongly. We were close when I was young, but the last ten years or so I've really neglected our relationship. Maybe it's guilt from that...or maybe it's just simply because she's my grandmother and I'm trying to put too much thought into it.

Everything causes me to feel so helpless, and as a control freak I can't stand it. I believe that it is literally driving me crazy. I say a little prayer every day thanking God for Troy. I firmly believe I wouldn't be ok without him.

Day 7

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. I'm amazed I'm still married with as bitchy as I've been. And I've had terrible mood swings too...bitchy, then happy, then crying. Thankfully this is our last round of Clomid. And if we don't get pregnant this month we will wait until after vacation to see the RE. I don't want to curse anything, but I have a bad feeling about this cycle. I haven't had any cramping per say, but my left ovary has been a little tender.

I've noticed the longer we face these fertility problems, the more meticulous I become. I don't want to say I'm completely OCD, I don't think I'm terrible, but it is getting bad. Troy doesn't seem worried about it, but it's something I'm keeping in check. It's so easy for me to get down on myself...it's like nothing is going right for me. I had huge dreams for my BeautiControl, right now I'm doing worse than when I started. We can't get pregnant. If I don't get off the front end soon I'm seriously going to blow.

I think Troy should be declared a saint. He's the one getting the worst part of my craziness. He used to get upset with me, but after so long on Clomid he's finally realized it's not something I can totally control...I try, I really do. Hopefully vacation next month will help me to clear my head.

Day 2

Started my period yesterday. I need to call and get my lab work appointment scheduled. I figured it up last night and this month it falls on a Friday so unless the doctor calls that afternoon I will have to wait until the following Monday for results (which just so happens to be our 2 year anniversary!) It's a little surreal to know that this is for sure my last cycle on Clomid, and I also get a Deja Vu feeling...we thought we were done last month! I will start the Clomid on Day 5 and we'll see what happens. I'm not really cramping this month with my period so it's hard to tell which ovary will try and release an egg. I'm hoping it'll be my right side so we at least stand a chance of getting pregnant.

Saturday was super busy for us. We had two weddings, one of which Troy was in. Troy's sister got married and a friend from Prairie Meadows got married as well. Both weddings were beautiful and made me a little warm and fuzzy. It also got me a little depressed though...our friends from Prairie Meadows just seemed so happy and in love. The only time I remember Troy and I being like that is when we first started dating. We haven't even been married for 2 years yet and I already feel like an old married couple. We woke up yesterday at 12:45...we were pooped!

I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous post but last week after I got back from Grandma's we were placed on "red alert." Mom got a call from my uncle saying Grandma had taken a turn for the worse. I've only talked to mom a few times since then but Grandma seems to be hanging in there so far. She's definately a tough old bat! I only hope I can be even HALF the woman she is!

New cycle

I finally remembered to take a PT this morning which came back negative (not a surprise to me). So I took my first Provera pill, I had some faint blood on Sunday so I thought I might start my period on my own but it went away. Once I start my period, I'll start my final-and this time I really do mean final-round of Clomid.

I just found out today I have a sinus infection. I've been stuffed up for about a week and a half and I just assumed it was allergies because I didn't feel sick. Today I finally just got tired of being stuffed up so I went to the doctor. Good thing I did, I guess. Then I went to get my prescription and they couldn't fill it because they had to go to lunch............I was not thrilled.

My mom got a call from my uncle today, Grandma has taken a bad turn. I'm hoping she can hold out for just awhile longer. We have two weddings on Saturday, obviously if Grandma passes away and her funeral was this weekend I'd go, but I'd really like to be at the weddings. I'm so glad I decided to go up this past weekend. I had to much to do, I kept going back and forth. I kept saying "I can just go up the next time I have two days off." I'm glad I didn't wait. Please pray for my Grandma 

Emotional weekend

I decided to go up and see Grandma this weekend. Mom came with me, at first I didn't really think she'd need to come with me but I'm really glad she did. It was great to see Grandma, and I am so happy I went up, but it was a little rough seeing her. Saturday I almost forgot she was sick, she was acting so much like her sassy old self. Yesterday thought she was really sleepy and not so alert. I got a little emotional when we were leaving, I was just looking at her realizing it might be the last time I see her alive. (I say "might" because she's held on so much, and even has plans for this winter! LOL)

I meant to take a pregnancy test this morning, but with everything going on I forgot too. Will have to tomorrow morning and then I can for sure start the Provera...and a new cycle.

Day 26

I got Installed Sales!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It took awhile for the excitement to sink in, but I am thrilled and excited to finally get off the front end. Everybody thinks this is the key to getting pregnant, getting off the front end. While there are days on the front end where I want to go to the highest mountain and scream my head off, I don't feel being Head Cashier really stresses me out THAT much.

I'm a little irritated with some of my friends right now. 95% of my friends I wouldn't trade for the world, I would take a bullet for them and I know they would for me. But it's that 5% that really has me peeved right now. I'm having a For Your Pleasure party tonight and everybody's pussy-footing around about it. I don't know why I'm surprised though, it's the same response I'm getting when I ask them to host a spa. (Anyone reading this, please don't get offended. It really is a very small amount of my not so close friends that I'm talking about here)

Back to more positive things, my Nook has really been an escape for me. I LOVE my Nook. I would like to kiss whoever came up with the idea!

I'm hoping to go see my Grandma this weekend. My mom's been up there for awhile now and as long as she continues to have good days I'll drive up Friday. *Come on Grandma...keep fighting!!*

Day 21

I've really been neglecting my blog lately. Yesterday we had a BBQ with some friends, the weather really sucked and some people didn't show up, but we had a really good time. It was great to spend some quality time with some people I hadn't seen in awhile, it also helped to get my mind off of everything. Troy and I were both exhausted, Troy especially-he'd be up since 1 AM the night before! We both passed out about 10:30. Fortunately Troy woke me up getting back into bed this morning because I realized I had a doctors appointment this morning! It was 7 when I woke up so I set my alarm for 9:15 and went back to bed.

I got the results a lot earlier than I've ever gotten them. The doctor called about 2:30 this afternoon. My progesterone was at 2.something. Definately not where we want it at! I keep going to back to something my chiropractor said a couple years ago. She did this weird "test" thingy where she'd touch different parts of my body while applying pressure to my outstretched arm. If my arm gave out, it meant the area she was touching was "weak." While she's doing this, I mention there's a chance I might have fertility issues (this was before all our treatments and what-not). So she puts her hand over my right ovary, arm still stable. She puts her hand over my left ovary, my arm goes down. So she said my left ovary was weaker than my right..............

That being said, 3 out of the last 4 months my left side has cramped up around Day 14. Last month (when my progesterone was the highest) my right side cramped up. I know in a normal woman ovulation is supposed to alternate every other month, but I don't think mine is. And I think when I'm supposed to ovulate from my left side, I'm not. I feel it's too late in our Clomid cycles to do anything about it. But it will definately be the first thing I mention to the RE if we have to go to one.

Troy and I had been preparing ourselves for the RE discussion, but when I was on the phone with the doctor she asked if we wanted to do a final round of Clomid or go straight to the RE. I thought this current month we are on was our last cycle, but apparently we have one more to go. Troy and I had already decided we were going to wait until after vacation to see the RE (which is still a sensitive matter with me), so I made an impromptu decision to do the last round of Clomid. That will put us late July-early August and then if we're not pregnant we will wait until the first of September to see the RE. 

On a more positive note, Troy let me get a Nook today and we (myself and the Nook) have been practically inseparable!!

Day 14

Starting to have my doubts about this cycle. This is the day I should be ovulating and while I'm more lubricated than normal, I don't have the discharge I'm supposed to. I haven't told Troy my concerns, I don't want him worrying about my sanity...or what's left of it. We've been doing a lot of serious talking though. I think we've decided that if we aren't pregnant this cycle we're going to wait until after our vacation in August to go to the RE. I've been a little down since we talked about it, I'm so torn. It literally KILLS me inside to put it off anymore, but on the other hand it sucks planning a vacation not knowing if you're going to be pregnant or not. Today someone asked me how long we'd been trying, I told them a year, and they said "Oh that's not that long!" It feels like a friggin' decade to me! I wanted to smack them.

I want to spend the next two months losing weight. I need to get back onto my diet. I also need to exercise, which is making me a little down as well. My hips have been bothering me so badly the last month I'm having a hard time even walking. I'm getting a massage tomorrow, hopefully that will help. I have been to my family doctor, my chiropractor, and I've had one massage before...all of it is only a temporary help. I refuse to be fat and in pain all my life!

Day 10

We made it through hell week!! Usually about Day 10 I start to feel more "normal" and not so Incredible Hulk-ish. Day 10 is also when I start feeling like a cat in heat...haha! I took my last dosage of Clomid...EVER...yesterday. It's a little surreal. Pregnant or not I will never have to take another damn Clomid, I hear the Femara has much lower side effects, Troy is happy about that. We're both hoping it doesn't come to that.

Day 7

Man have I been a bitch the last couple days! This morning I got angry because Troy was rubbing my head and he messed up my head band. Tonight at work I snapped at a bunch of my cashiers. I can't wait for this week to be over with so I'm done taking the Clomid. I hope we can get pregnant this month, but I've heard the Femara doesn't have as bad of side effects so hopefully I won't be as bitchy.

Day 3

AF finally came. I was a little concerned, the last two cycles I got my period while taking the Provera, this cycle it was a couple days after. Maybe that's good though, my last couple cycles have been a little screwed up (even with my Progesterone hitting a 7). Not much more to report...I really haven't been in a good mood lately.

Feeling better

Feeling a lot better. I cleaned the grill, the inside of my car, pulled weeds, and drank a few beers. I've had a headache all damn day which is finally starting to go away now! Troy and I grilled BBQ Chicken and corn on the cob. We also had sundaes and watermelon. It was the perfect ending to an otherwise shitty day weekend. I still have a lot weighing on my mind, but trying to enjoy my days off.

Tomorrow night I have another spa. My bookings have kind of slowed down, trying to figure out how to get over this hump. I have a spa on June 23 for a girl who used to work at Lowe's- I'm super excited for this one because not a single one of her guests are from Lowe's. I've been trying to think of ways to "broaden my horizons", I think all my Lowe's girls are getting spa'ed out. Hopefully it goes well.

Happy Memorial Day

Having kind of a lazy day with the puppies today. I do need to clean our grill and then I would like to take Lexi for a walk, we'll see if that happens. A lots been going on lately, I'm really finding it hard to get out of bed some days. My grandma is still not doing well, and now my oldest sister is having health issues. I've been really depressed lately and have been an unbearable bitch at work. I feel a lot of tension between me and Troy lately as well. I'm past the point of knowing what to do and feel completely helpless.

I have 4 Provera left so I'm close to starting a new cycle. I'm not even bothering to get my hopes up on this one, and I've stopped telling everybody whats going on. After the disappointment last cycle, having everybody know (and almost 2 weeks later I'm still having people ask me if I'm pregnant...talk about sticking your finger in the wound), it's just too painful so when someone asks me when my next doctors appointment is, I completely shut down. I know they mean well, but it hurts too much to talk about it. Having them look at me with those sad eyes, wondering when I'm going to crack.

Bad news just keeps coming

With yet another failed cycle, I've been a little down in the dumps lately. I've had two spas since the negative pregnancy test and I have had to literally FORCE myself to get out of the house and do them. I'm so happy once I do, but it's been difficult. I had a great spa this morning, I was so excited about it...then Troy and I went to Hu Hot for my birthday lunch. We had just laid down to take a nap this afternoon when I get a text, and then a call from my mom. I'm always afraid it's going to be bad news when she calls, because usually I'm the one calling her...but usually it's just about one of my Facebook games. Today was a different story. My aunt had called my mom and said they found a bunch of tumors and fluid in my grandmother's brain. The doctors are giving her 2-3 weeks to live. I'd like to say I'm ok...but I'm not. My mom and I might go see her next week, but mom's not even sure she could physically make the trip. Now I'm stuck with all these regrets. The only other person we had a "warning" that they were going to pass away was my cousin. I was devestated when she died, but honestly too young to really understand what I was feeling. Now with the news of my grandma all I can think is "I wish I had gone to see her more" or "I wish I had called her when mom told me too." My grandma was the only grandparent I knew until I was about 14, and she had a huge impact on my childhood. We went and stayed with her every summer. I remember playing in the river with her dog, watching Pink Panther over and over with her, fishing with my aunt and uncle. My grandma Allen was such a tough old lady, I thought she'd out live me! The last time I got to see her was at our wedding, almost two years ago, and I am SO happy she was able to come.

 This is a close up of our "3 generations" picture. My grandma's hand is on the left, my moms hand is on the right. I get teary eyed every time I see this picture.

I love you Grandma Allen...I just hope you know that.

Day 31

Here we are at the end of another cycle. I took a half day today, I'm calling it a "mental health day." I sat in customer service early this morning with tears running down my face, I couldn't stop them. I took a short nap when I got home and I'm feeling slightly better.

I'm trying to bury myself into my BeautiControl. Lately, it's the only thing that's made me happy, and it keeps my mind off things. My clients don't know that I'm having infertility issues, so talking to them brings a little bit of normal back to my life. Had my first spa last night. Not as good of a turn out as we had hoped, but I had great results for who did show up. My next one is Wednesday, I will be doing this one on my own. At first I was a little nervous, but I sat down this afternoon and wrote down the entire process of what we did last night, and then read over it a few times. I'm feeling much better about the whole thing and I'm starting to feel like I can do it alone.

The verdicts in...

Amazingly enough I slept like a friggin baby last night. I woke up at 6:50 AM and really, really had to pee so I got up. I opened the PT box, kissed the test before I took it out of the wrapper. Peed on the stick, set it on the counter, and said a little prayer. God must have been sleeping still because the test was negative. I simply shrugged it off, and went back to sleep. Woke up again about 9:30 and that was when all the emotions hit me. Negative pregnancy test, Sunday is the one year anniversary of my coworker passing away, my birthday's on Monday and Troy just informed me we probably won't be able to go out to dinner for it because we won't have enough money! (We're going to have like $500 after all our bills are paid...and my own husband can't even take me out to dinner on my fucken birthday!) So I've decided if I can make enough at my spa tonight, I'm going to take my favorite girls out for dinner for my birthday!

Hopefully my day gets better...this sucks.

Day 29

Holy poop I can hardly contain myself right now! I've had more excitement today than one girl can take (no, I haven't found out I'm pregnant yet). We got our Colorado vacation booked, it all came together very quickly. I'm SO excited, I've never been to Colorado, the furthest out that way I've been is Rapid City and that was for work. I did buy my pregnancy tests-3 of them-one for tomorrow, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. I'm hoping I won't need all three :) Tomorrow is also my first spa so I'm spending most of tomorrow getting ready for that. We also have to get Troy fitted for his suit for a wedding and get me an oil change.

Tonight I'm by myself, Troy's at poker night. I wish he was here, I don't really want to be alone right now it gives me too much time to think! I really hope I'm pregnant, but the last couple days I've just had this feeling that I'm not. The initial excitement of my progesterone going up has worn off and now I'm starting to feel like it's never going to happen again.

Day 28

Well I didn't have my doctors appointment today, even though I had quite a bit of pain around Day 14 it seems that neither of my ovaries have ruptured so the doctor said she didn't think I needed to come in. On Friday I will take a pregnancy test-if it's negative I'll probably take another one Saturday and another one Sunday :) LOL. If all of those are negative I will call the doctor on Monday and get another month of Clomid and cross everything but my legs hoping next month I get pregnant! Haha

Friday is also my very first spa...I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. It's been a really big help of keeping my mind off the baby stuff.

We're trying to plan our vacation for this summer. Our original plans were to see my sister in Wisconsin. We really had our hearts set on Colorado but because of money decided it could wait. Once we started looking at hotels in Wisconsin, it was going to cost a lot more than we had thought. So we decided to ask Troy's parents if we would be able to use their timeshares. We went over and looked at them tonight and kept going back to Colorado. We'd have to change our days off though and we're not sure if it's going to work or even if the resort will be available, but if it all comes together we're really hoping to go to Colorado!

Was that implantation?...

...Probably just gas....

Knowing my progesterone went up this month and there's a slight chance I could actually be pregnant has really made me paranoid. Every little gas bubble, twinge, or momentary feeling of nausea makes me wonder if I'm actually pregnant. It is truely an odd feeling to not know what's going on in my body right now. This is definately going to be the longest week of my life! I'm trying really hard to not think about it, concentrating on work or BeautiControl.

Lucky number 7?

We got EXCELLENT news from the doctor yesterday. My progesterone went up to a 7!!! That means I most likely ovulated...now for the two week wait. I'm hoping to get a REALLY good birthday present. I've already convinced myself I won't be disappointed if we're not pregnant this time...but it's really crazy to wonder what's going on in my body right now. May 20th I will take a pregnancy test and if it's negative we will do one more month of Clomid and hope for a 7 again or even higher and hopefully get pregnant next month.

I had a dream a week or so ago that I was pregnant with triplets (which I hope only the pregnant part is true!) and then Troy said he's just had a feeling I'm pregnant all week and he's never had that feeling before. Even if we're not pregnant, I am still thrilled we finally got good news. We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and this is the first good news we've had all year.

Thanks again to everybody's thoughts and prayers. You're support means a lot!

Day 17...I think

I had a very productive day today. Had a great coffee "meeting" with my director and a few other BC(I'm going to start abbreviating BeautiControl because it's just too much to type out anymore) girls. It was very informative and a lot of fun. I have another meeting Tuesday. I'm so used to the mean girls in High School that I'm always really nervous to meet new women, I'm always afraid they'll be catty, but then I remember we're all adults now and for the most part accepting of everybody. The girls I met today were really nice.

My mom, sister, and niece are in town for an Assembly so I went to see them tonight. It's always nice to see my family, I do get homesick from time to time. I'm trying to stay busy this weekend, tomorrow's Mothers Day. Mothers Day for an infertile, is kind of like Valentines Day for a single person. While I appreciate all the mothers out there and honestly believe they deserve more than one special day, at the same time...it's depressing. I remember last year I said "This will be my last Mother's day of not being a mother." This year I'm not even bothering to think that. Oh well...happy Mothers Day to all you lucky mothers out there!

Day 15

Today was a pretty shitty day all around. The morning started out with me and Troy fighting...about money...again...I hardly talked to him this morning. He got angry about the Beauti Case I had purchased, you know the one I talked to him about and he told me I could buy because it's what I need to do spas. And now that I've bought it he keeps getting pissed about it every time we start talking about money or bills. He'll say "Well if you hadn't bought that case!" I want to strangle him sometimes, I love having a joint account because it makes it easier to pay bills...but we fight about money SO much more. It's ridiculous.

Then work sucked...I can't really go into detail because it was pretty much all night. And I've felt like I ruptured an ovary all day. I'm just falling apart.

Day 14- I might have ovulated today...what did you do?

A friend at work asked me how I was today...I said "I'm not sure, but I might be ovulating." Even though nothing I say should surprise anyone anymore, I think it threw her off a bit. I was incredibly lubricated today...God that sounds so dirty! Only during infertility could one talk like this and get away with it-sometimes it's pretty awesome. I'm trying really hard to hold back my emotions. I'm excited that something seems to be happening, I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up too much, and I'm still nervous about the RE. Unless I can pull out like a 5 or something this month, it just doesn't seem worth it to me to continue on the Clomid. I only have two months left, and I feel that if I can't get to at least a 5 this month, I'll never get to the 10 they want me to be at. My blood draw is exactly one week away, my least favorite appointment. I never used to mind getting my blood drawn, but having to go in every single month makes me feel like a test subject.

I've been sick since Easter...you know, the not fun kind of sick...I was convinced my in-laws had poisoned me at Easter but if that were the case I should have either died or gotten better by now. Troy thinks it might be the Metformin because it's one of the side effects, but I shouldn't be hit with it almost 3 months into me taking it. I had it for about the first week I was taking the Metformin again, but then I was fine. I'm really not sure what's wrong with me, but I've decided to not see my family doctor about it because I'm afraid they'll tell me to stop taking the Metformin.

ANOTHER pregnancy announcement today...it's becoming a bit ridiculous. If this is God's idea of a joke, it's not funny anymore. I actually managed to not break down this time-by some miracle!

With everything going on, it's been a draining week......to say the least