Ultrasound tomorrow!

Today I was starting to regret moving my ultrasound to tomorrow, but I know it's better I do it then instead of today on lunch. I keep having a dream that I get to my appointment and find out that I'm not pregnant and that I had never come in for the blood draws...like it was all a dream! I've calmed myself down a lot over the past couple days, I know it's better for myself and the baby. I just keep telling myself if something was wrong, I'd know.

A normal woman would be thrilled she didn't have morning sickness yet...me, not so much! It freaks me out, there's times where I don't even feel pregnant. Although I have started to feel a little more pukey. I got up in the middle of the night last night to pee and when I got back to bed I felt like I had butterflies in my stomach and then this huge burp came from deep in my belly. (I know, I'm so attractive! haha)

Hopefully I'll be able to post a picture of my little jelly bean tomorrow. I told Troy I refuse to call the baby my little "bean" because it reminds me of farts...or the chilli beans that make me throw up. So I decided jelly beans are much more pleasant!

Nothing's changed

I really shouldn't complain, but being pregnant it makes me feel even worse than before. Most of you may know, my husband has a TERRIBLE sex drive. Before we were trying to get pregnant, I practically had to beg for it. I was incredibly proud of him while we were trying to get pregnant though, he really put forth an effort to do what we were supposed to do. Now that we're pregnant, I'm back to having to beg for it. If it were up to Troy, we'd have sex once a month...if that! Being pregnant now, it makes me feel even uglier than before...feeling like my husband doesn't want me. I don't even want to think about how terrible I'll start feeling once I'm 700 pounds and feel like my husband doesn't find me sexy.

Less than a week until our ultrasound. Yesterday I kind of felt like I wasn't even pregnant anymore. And of course the night before I had a VERY real dream that we had lost the baby...so real that I woke up crying and checking my phone to make sure I hadn't actually text someone the bad news. I think the baby knew I was upset, I started cramping last night. Not a lot...just enough to remind me there is still something hanging out in my uterus.

6 Weeks

Today I am 6 weeks...half way through my first trimester! Still feeling pretty good. I did move my ultrasound to the 1st, I didn't feel like juggling an appointment during my lunch break, food is much more important. I moved it to the 1st because I'm off that day. Of course I will let everyone know how it goes, and hopefully post a picture of our tiny little bean.

Reflection

I spent some time looking back and some old posts...I had a real shitty year! Considering where I'm at right now though, I think it was all worth it. I never considered myself superstitious, until now. I've been browsing baby stuff online and today even considered starting a baby registry (Just generic stuff until we find out the sex), but I am completely and utterly terrified that it would jinx this pregnancy. So for now I'll just browse, in January I'll start a registry. I've also been looking at the Maternity ward for Methodist hospital. The Methodist ward is going to be under construction when I would be in there, and while it will be completely functional I worry about noise or inconvenience. So I'm considering Iowa Lutheran, they're rooms look really nice. I know, I know I'm totally getting ahead of myself, but sometimes I can't help it.

Tuesday I'll be 6 weeks...YAY!

5 weeks

Tomorrow starts a new week...5 weeks down, only 7 more to go until I can rest a little easier. Still feeling pretty good. I'm wearing my bra as little as possible (Ok, I admit it, I did this before I was pregnant. Now I have an excuse!) My boobs don't really hurt too bad yet, but my nipples feel like they're on fire sometimes! Slight nausea this morning, and my nose is definately more sensitive. I'm being almost neurotically careful, washing my hands like crazy, using hand sanitizer, trying not to lift too much. I've also found that I've become more superstitious. Every night before bed I say "Dear God, please let me be pregnant tomorrow and thank you for this blessing." In fact, one night I forgot and I woke up at 2 A.M crying. I'm hoping my craziness goes away after the first trimester. My only craving right now? I would kill for a Diet Coke or Iced Tea!

Anxiously awaiting our appointment on the 30th, praying everything goes ok.

Update

Monday morning was like any other morning. I woke up at 5 AM, I had to work at 6. I dug out my little pregnacy test, kissed it and said a prayer. It felt like I sat there for an hour waiting for the results, but right there it was "PREGNANT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I had pants on at the time, I'd have crapped them. I really couldn't even think of what to do next, this had never happened to me. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I dropped to the floor and bawled uncontrollably. Over the next 45 minutes, I checked that test 9 million times to make sure it didn't say "Ha ha, just kidding." It still said pregnant.

I wanted to scream it from the roof tops but knew I needed to be cautious. I called the doctor at 8 and made an appointment for a blood draw at 11 that day. They were checking my HCG levels (pregnancy hormones) and it came back a 60. The doctor said it was on the low end of normal, but still ok and we made an appointment for today to make sure it went up. We slowly started telling a select few. Our thinking is, our closest friends and family are going to know if we miscarry, they might as well know we're pregnant. My HCG today was 146. The nurse laughed a little bit because when she called and told me I knew we were shooting for 120, the doctor wanted it to double in 48 hours. So I asked if it was ok that it had more than doubled. She laughed and said that was exactly what they want.

I have my first ultrasound on the 31st but might move it to the 1st, I haven't decided yet. Of course I will keep everybody posted, the only thing I ask is that my Facebook friends not post anything on Facebook. We are keeping it from the general public until about 10-12 weeks. Which also reminds me, I'm 4 weeks as of yesterday. No morning sickness, some mild nausea and cramping. No blood or spotting. I am slightly more tired than normal, but otherwise I feel great. Thanks to everybody for your prayers and support through all of this. Please continue to pray for a long, healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby!

FINALLY!

Finally heard back. My progesterone was at 11 (Hallelujah!!) I'm trying to stay positive, yet cautious. This is certainly good news, but not a guarantee of pregnancy. I am trying to keep these results fairly private, I'm not announcing it to the world. All I can think about is the disappointment of the negative pregnancy result when we got the 7.

The nurse told me I have to use the OPK's now, basically days 12-15. If I don't get a positive surge by day 15 I will have to go in for an ultrasound. Otherwise I really won't have to go to the doctor anymore, I'm kind of on my own. I'm a little happy about that, I didn't want to drive to West Des Moines in the winter! I'm hoping we can continue with the good results...actually, I'm hoping we're pregnant this time around.

Cross your fingers

How long must I wait?

Still no call...I have to admit it's upsetting. But tonight I have much more than my test results on my mind. I feel like people are watching me, waiting for me to crack-and I can say I have officially reached my breaking point.

When I first began this journey, another girl who went through infertility told me to keep it as private as I possibly could because fertile people make hurtful comments without even realizing it. Back then, I thought that was the stupidest advice anyone had ever given me...looking back I wish I'd have taken it! I used to be able to smile when someone would make a stupid comment, now it's like being stabbed right in the heart. A guy in my office just had a baby. Of course I'm happy for them they will make GREAT parents, but it's still upsetting. The icing on the cake was when they brought him in and one of my closest friends at work looks at me and says "Get busy!" Oh right, because having an entire pharmacy in my purse, having a tube shoved into my cervix, getting up at 5 AM every freakin morning to take my temperature, or having timed sex every other day is slacking off. Or just tonight, another friend offered to make a "prego sandwich" with me in the middle...seriously, I don't even have anything to say to that. Or here's a classic, "Have you tried drinking the water?" No, but right now I'd like to drown myself in it!! Maybe I'm just bitter. I tell my friends what's going on because I want their support...not their asinine comments.

I could really use a miracle.

Dear God,
     If you're listening right now, I have officially had more than I can handle. If you could just arrange a meeting with my egg and Troy's sperm, maybe they could have a date in my uterus. Really, that's all I'm asking for.

Sincerely,
Courtney

Day 22

Playing the waiting game today. That's one thing I always liked about Sposato, she always got my results back quickly. Got our first bill from the new doctor. It was a denied office visit from Troy's insurance, so it still has to be submitted to my insurance. Just an office visit...actually I should say, just a CONSULTATION was $247! I should only have to pay $35 of that, but we have to wait until it's submitted to my insurance first. The bill that I'm not excited about is for the HSG. My insurance only pays one part of the test. One part is $350 the other is $140. I'm hoping we'll only have to pay the $140, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I woke up in a pretty good mood, even though I had a dentist appointment this morning (my teeth and gums STILL hurt!) but my mood has slowly diminished over each passing hour. I even have a bottle of wine waiting for me in case of bad news (I didn't ovulate this month), but if I don't get a call I might have to have a small glass just to calm down!

I've been a little down all week, and last night just made it worse. Troy drools over Carrie Underwood all the time, fine whatever...I'd do sick and disgusting things to Ryan Reynolds. But last night Troy says "Man is she sexy!" when 'Before he cheats' came on the TV. He even had that creepy Chester the Mollestor tone to his voice. I don't get dressed up too often, but when I do it'd be nice to hear "Man honey, you look great!" He didn't even notice my hair when I got it highlighted. I've gained the 10 pounds back that I had lost so I'm really just feeling fat and ugly and could really use my husbands encouragement that he still finds me attractive. Maybe I'm just over reacting, but it really hurt. I'm constantly telling Troy how handsome he is when he gets dressed up or gets a hair cut. And in my eyes, he really is the sexiest man alive.

Day 20

Tomorrow is judgement day! I'm getting my blood drawn for yet another Progesterone draw. My appointment is late in the afternoon, so I probably won't have results until Tuesday. I'm nervous, as this is my first month on Femara...I feel like the stakes are really high! I feel like I've ovulated, but the not knowing is killing me. I think I'll have to cave in and get the OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) next month, even if it is a little depressing. I've been protesting the OPK because obviously I never ovulated on the Clomid, so it was kind of like getting a negative pregnancy test every day! My ovaries have definately been cramping this month.