Day 23

I almost feel like keeping track of cycle days right now is a little redundant, but I guess I should still keep track so I know when I've reached the end of this god awful cycle. Today definately tested my patience...it was almost like the majority of my coworkers and customers had left their brains at home today. I came in to a giant mess with this bake sale for the MDA, practically nothing had been done, and on top of that we had corporate visitors. I was beyond fed up and had multiple break downs in the bathroom because I was at my wits end.

I can't even count how many times I've heard "God has a plan for you and you'll get pregnant when He wants you to" or "God will never give you more than you can handle." To that I say "Bullshit!" More power to you for believing it and I'm glad you find comfort in it...I, however, do not find comfort in it. If that were the case, God gave me more than I could handle about 3 years ago when everything started going to shit. And if God is in charge of this pregnancy thing, someone needs to inform Him that 16 year old girls are generally not fit to be mothers. Troy and I have talked numerous times about going to church but with our crazy schedules we haven't been able to make it work. On top of that, neither of us are really that religious and after spending 90% of my childhood in a church I don't feel you need to go to church to be "religious." I don't know if it's just because I'm bitter about our results this month, but all the religious BS being thrown at me right now really makes me want to smack somebody.

I'm still torn about what to do. I've been cruising forums today to try and find out if this has happened to anybody else while on Clomid and what their end result was but I'm just not having any luck. I realize going to an RE means forking up more money, but at the same time I don't know that I could handle the disappointment of another wasted cycle. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday and one thing I want to talk to her about is why no one has ever taken an ultrasound of my ovaries. They don't know if I have that string of cysts...hell, according to my blood work it's debatable whether or not I even have PCOS. I know Troy and I are in the beginning of our journey, but I'm so depressed and confused about everything I almost want to give up. I'm having dinner with a friend who used to work with me tomorrow and hopefully this weekend I'll go out for drinks with another friend. Hopefully that can cheer me up a little bit.